Episode 3 – Excuses and Explanations

In which we discuss excuses, explanations, expectations, trust, and responsibility with BJ and PJ.
Recorded July 03, 2024.

Transcript:

Jump to end
I would propose they absolutely believe
that their explanation is accurate from
their perspective from their point of
view that’s the only thing they could
have done and they’re telling you this
the only thing I could have done and
then it’s up to your judgment and your
expectation and your possible an es that
say you could have done something
else it was your your idea as I
understand so how would you phrase it
how would you state it the difference
between um excuses and explanations well
I was just thinking about how when we’re
kids and somebody’s like why’ you do
that and you’re and you start to explain
it to them and they’re like no don’t
give me any excuses and um as far as as
explanations explanations are what
happened and it’s not necessarily an
excuse an excuse is um possibly a
justification for an action and the
explanation is and the excuse and the
explanation can be the same thing but an
explanation isn’t necessarily an excuse
that’s how I would basically explain it
but we talked a little bit more about
that into that so the definition of of a
of an excuse and an explanation right
those have to have different excuse
different definitions right so the
explanation is the circumstances around
the action or why the action happened um
an excuse would just be the
justification for the action now that
that varies that’s subjective but as far
as an excuse is obviously something that
it’s it’s it’s an explan for the action
but a justifiable explanation for the
action okay which one do you want to
start
with uh I think we should start with um
excuses excuse what is an excuse so
let’s define clearly Define an excuse
well I think that’s a bit subjective
because people have different levels of
what are culturally or whatever what
they decide is um justifiable so that
depends on the person so when would you
when would you give an excuse um if
there was like for instance you’re late
for a meeting and it was there was
nothing you could do about it the
situations that happened you’d say well
I tried to get here on time but I got
hit by a car whatever um that would be
an excuse because you made a promise or
made a commitment and um but that’s
still up to the person that you telling
it to to decide whether that’s
justifiable or not so to go to the end
you you use the word promise how does
that relate to excuses so I would think
that it doesn’t matter to the other
person whether uh unless there was an
expect expectation involved whether
whether you have an excuse or the or an
explanation I think uh a promise or some
sort of expectation would have to be
involved for them to be interested in it
unless they just want to know like what
happened with your you know you’re
sharing an event between the two of you
but that wouldn’t be an excuse because
you would need an excuse you haven’t let
anyone down yeah oh unless they just
were like that was that was something
weird that you did why’d you do that I
wonder are we sure that excuse is
negative and explanation is positive no
and I think that’s a big problem because
that’s especially going out place that’s
especially used with kids a lot where
they’re like you know like I said before
you know there’s no excuses for that or
whatever and so it gets a negative
connotation but obviously there’s
situations that can’t be helped I am
something you could edit in about making
an excuse um and I’m I’m so sad because
I can’t give the exact profit but I
think it was Spencer W Kimble and he
said um he always tried to like serve
his neighbor and and he had neglected a
need at at his NE next door neighbor and
he went over and he said sorry I wasn’t
here to help you but we had chicken for
dinner that night and the idea was that
no matter and excus is just excuse it’s
completely doesn’t matter to the other
person you could say anything to be your
excuse that’s true so it doesn’t have
any it I mean you could say whatever
excuse you want you still neglected to
be there for the other person or we’re
not at a meeting or you know there are
things that happen and you ex I think
that’s the difference maybe but I think
that goes back to Promises of
trustworthiness so I think it’s a test
of trustworthiness and whether um so if
you were just like we had chicken um
that’s like instead of like oh my child
was sick or something like it’s I meant
to help you but it it couldn’t stuff
came up that I couldn’t um be able to do
that now if it was just neglect like
well I just I was supposed to help you
but I didn’t feel like it or I didn’t
think about it then I think honesty is
important there too because if you’re
trying to form um good relationships
with people I mean I guess if you don’t
care so I think either way honesty is
important if you’re trying to form trust
and be a trustworthy person um and that
goes back to promises and expectations
as far as um
whether excuses can be positive I mean
there’s probably times where as far as
boundaries and circumstances where you
need to make an excuse and you have a a
legitimate excuse and it’s like I’m
sorry I can’t do that or you know
something else came up well is an excuse
always I’m sorry I can’t or is an excuse
um I love you I mean is that an excuse
too but I would see that more as a
boundary so an excuse is this isn’t
something I can do um and this is why
and sorry
maybe we do have a problem Houston we
have a problem did you
hear seven he said we have a problem
might don’t know what I can eat for
lunch so would that be an
excuse or is it an explanation I don’t
know what to eat for
lunch it’s a problem it’s just a problem
it’s not either excuse or explanation so
it’s a it’s a situation and he knows
he’s not supposed to come in but it’s a
problem he has a problem I think that is
and so he explained it with I I don’t
know what to eat for lunch um does that
does it have the possibility of getting
you upset or not getting you upset I
mean you mentioned he was seven why does
he’s seven matter at all because he’s
just a one boy yeah why does why does it
matter that he’s that he’s seven is a
seveny old supposed to know what is
there an expectation that a
seven-year-old will know what to get for
lunch no wouldn’t I don’t know it
depends on the child because in general
he knows what’s to get what to get for
lunch but he’s decided there’s 12 kids
here and he’s decided he’s completely
lost which is right can be an
expectation he’s overwhelmed with a
billion people in the house and but as
far as me expecting him right yes and no
because of circum negative was it
negative that he didn’t need didn’t know
what to get to eat I mean it was
negative for him but for me no I mean a
little bit I’m in the middle of doing
something but a little Annoying yeah but
wasn’t it a little bit funny as well we
laugh about it well of
course so it’s a little bit funny so
there it’s not that it’s an excuse or
it’s not annoying necessarily well I
mean him coming to find me in the fact
that he’s overwhelmed is an excuse if he
was just if he was in general didn’t
have issues with that sort of thing and
was just trying to get my attention for
whatever reason I mean I guess that
could be considered an excuse too if he
just wanted he felt lonely or whatever
or wanted to know what we were doing but
what I guess an excuse would be that oh
yeah like I said it’s subjective for the
person so an excuse for me with him
coming in doing that if I didn’t mind
him coming in that would be an
acceptable excuse but if I um expected
him back to expectations and Promises to
go do something else and he already knew
he wasn’t supposed to be coming in here
him just wanting my attention for
whatever reason would not necessarily be
an excuse well it would still be not an
acceptable excuse no um that’s my point
in his his perspective let’s just go to
as a seven-year-old was he giving an
excuse or an explanation when when he
was telling me he needed help finding
food or right right um that would be an
explanation because there were no I
would think no negative feelings
involved like he didn’t think he was
going to get yeah in in trouble so right
because he does want right but it’s also
I think it’s back to expectations
because even though I told him that he
needed to go do something else
he knows that if he knocks at on the
door I’m not going to just scream at him
or whatever so he feels he can give an
explanation instead of an excuse I think
do do we commonly try to make excuses or
give explanations what what’s s as human
beings I think it depends on the person
and how they have grown up in
circumstances they have been in okay try
to give an example okay you’re you’re
you’re saying all this is subjective and
we used an actual example I I I like to
use an actual example there
so I don’t know subjective is fine we’re
okay if we’re we’re dealing with
subjective stuff it it is all subjective
and that’s what I want to get to is
where does the excuse come from anyway
or needing it or feeling like we need to
do an excuse is that what you’re saying
I think it’s because we want something
out of the situation whether for them to
not be upset with us or whether for them
like I said it comes back to
relationships I think and trying to
build trust in a relationship or just
trying to if you’re lying about it
trying to get out of something once
again that might make them upset and
break trust in our relationship so I
think that’s where excuses come from or
needing an excuse it’s like so does the
person giving the excuse care about the
trust of the relationship I would say so
cuz otherwise would why would they make
make an excuse unless it’s not in good
faith and they just want something out
of the relationship and and doesn’t care
whether they’re actually trustworthy I
mean they still care whether the other
person trusts them but they don’t care
whether it’s a mutual trust situation
because they’re just trying to like
they’re not trying to better the
relationship it’s just they want
something out of it and I would think
more short term because eventually
that’s going to be found out you know
like if you’re lying about your absence
or whatever so that you don’t get in
trouble at work or whatever you’re going
to get in trouble at um but if that’s a
continued thing it’s going to be found
out anyways but yeah I think it’s a um
trying to form trust or show trust
that’s ironic that you would that you
would maybe make up an excuse that was
not true but people do in order to form
trust and being critical of you I’m just
saying isn’t that ironic that’s
interesting yeah being ironic can it be
done can it be done effectively do we
know of anyone who’s done that
effectively well but we have all kinds
of we have we’re talking about like
serial serial killers I was reading
stuff on Ted Bundy and he of course he
went out of his way to um go into
situations like he was on the rap
hotline and uh went into like I think it
was was it Republican political parties
and he was very active in that and very
active in a lot of things although he
sounded like he was completely crazy
otherwise anyway I wasn’t there I didn’t
know him but as far as the things I read
about him he obviously went out of his
way to put himself in situations to make
um make it seem like he wasn’t doing the
things he was doing and and that sort of
an excuse not telling the truth about
what you are actually doing what your
ends well that would be making a false
excuse if you’re going out of your way
to portray yourself or tell somebody
that you did something or didn’t do
something that you did do okay so a lie
yes so a lie can be an excuse obviously
or used as an excuse I wouldn’t
necessarily I don’t know if it would be
necessarily a true EXC like a truthful
excuse obviously because the other
person is again rating whether it’s what
whether they they feel like it’s
justifiable for them but it’s obviously
they’ve used it as an excuse and it’s uh
not in good faith or truthful um
explanation uh or excuse in this case
they’re using the explanation for the
for the excuse okay let’s let’s try
something let’s try something here so
each of us le start with this identify
what an excuse why we why we use an
excuse a situation and why you’d use an
excuse and then then maybe why it would
lie why how you could lie to use an
excuse yeah so if I I’m slowing down
thinking about this um I’m going to use
Excuse in in a different way um like so
we’re talking about giving excuses right
but what an excuse is it’s it’s used to
excuse our behavior and a situation okay
so I’m giving excuses I’m excusing my
behavior if I’m giving explanations I’m
explaining my behavior so you could say
excusing is to like I’m I’m Guiltless
there I’m going to blame something else
for this situation I have no
responsibility in this that’s my excuse
It’s I’m excusing what I did or what
happened because there was nothing I
could have done um and if I’m explaining
it then I’m taking
responsibility and I’m perhaps like well
here’s the explanation of behind why
this happened and and also I’m
responsible for this and like maybe you
could even go further and say how this
is how I’m going to fix it this is
what’s going to be different next time
or this is of of course I’m to blame in
this in this situation I’m responsible
so I think that’s the clear difference
for me between excuse and explanation is
who’s are you taking responsibility for
your behavior or are you are you trying
to be like I’m innocent this I’m I’m a
victim in this whole thing too you know
and then you’re giving excuses so um I
agree with that but I also think as far
as the the the trust relationship goes
you can give an explanation just to be
like well this is how it is you know and
not
necessarily I mean it’s it’s sort of
taking responsibility but if you don’t
care about you can just give give an
explanation if you don’t care about how
the other person like if you’re not
looking for a trust situation there or
whatever it’s like this is on the table
well I’m sorry this is what happened but
I guess that’s sort of a that’s sort of
an excuse too because like you said
you’re not taking responsibility there
it’s just you know I can think an
example that all of us have heard my dog
ate my homework obviously an
excuse true yeah I I had there was
nothing I could have done about that my
dog if you say I left my homework out
where the dog could get it and um I
shouldn’t have done that that’s wanted
it up and put it in his mouth yeah but I
think there I think there still could be
a neutral explanation like they’re like
where’s your homework well my dog ate it
um and without any sort of now I’m not
saying this is a good thing or whatever
but it’s it’s not either it’s not an
excuse either if you don’t you don’t
care about it like if they asked you
what happened to your homework and
you’re like my dog ate it and you don’t
expect that to excuse you of anything
it’s still an explanation and not
necessarily an excuse because it could
be either well I think it’s an excuse
because you’re blameless and it you’re
saying I’m I’m an innocent party you
know I think that’s what makes it an
excuse you’re excusing it you’re
excusing what you did to cause this
situation well yeah I guess if you don’t
put what your actions were into it but
it’s you’re not expecting to be excused
or you don’t care the
outcome it’s still like if you’re not
doing it to to actually excuse you from
it like you don’t care about the
circumstances around it I think it’s
still an explanation I think it’s not a
whole explanation because you obviously
were involved like why why was your
homework out out where the dog could get
to it or whatever but in this
circumstances if you don’t care about
whether you get a bad grade or whatever
then there’s only one party involved in
this and wants to know whether there’s
an excuse or not yeah I wonder um in
what circumstances do we care whether
we’re giving excuses or explanations or
whether we’re receiving excuses versus
explanations that’s why I think it comes
back to what you’re trying to get out of
the conversation whether you’re trying
to build trust or whether you feel like
you need an excuse or not okay why would
you why would anyone ever need an excuse
give me give me examples of why we need
excuses for instance with the homework
one um their homework’s missing and they
care about whether whether they get a
good grade or okay so the the the child
cares if he gets a good grade or the
teacher cares that they made an
assignment the teacher it’s not being
ful that’s what I’m saying it’s both
it’s an understanding between the two of
them um and if one side doesn’t care
then it’s and especially the one that
the the the circumstances that who have
broken the
expectation um then there I mean I can
see both as an excuse and as an
explanation okay but why would you ask
for the why would you ask oh it’s not
necess why would you um expect an
excuse why would a person ask why
something happened well that’s a good
question and something Behavior yeah
that’s something I had problems with
with getting that asked that question as
a child now yeah so you would think
because in good faith on both sides that
they would actually want to know whether
there is an excuse or not for the bad
behavior so that they could um decide
where their boundaries are and where
they feel about whether punishment or
pullback or whatever or whatever the
whether they should enact the the
penalty of their agreement whatever that
is if they had an understanding let’s
unpack that the first thing you you
indicated was that there’s a bad
behavior how do we know behavior is bad
I wouldn’t necessarily say that it was a
bad behavior but a Breaking of
expectations and bad behavior to me says
um I did something negligently or
purposely and so so I think that’s what
they’re trying to what you would be
trying to figure out if you were wanting
an excuse or an explanation and why do
you want an explanation an explanation
would be just to understand the
circumstances around it whether for
curiosity purposes or um understanding
of a per person it wouldn’t necessarily
have to do with your relationship and
your expectations so like I said I think
has to do with whether there is a trust
and a sort of whether explicit or
to be there right and there’s certain
expectations between the parent and the
child in lots of situations does the
parent have to explain things to the
child at times sure like what did you
just tell him when you walked out to
about lunch about food I went and got
one of his siblings to help him so you
found a resource for him right because
he could he wasn’t thinking that there
are resources or other things I can use
right I could have just told him to go
look for food or whatever and do it
himself but I didn’t have the
expectation because he had already
indicated to me that he wasn’t he didn’t
feel he was able to at the moment um do
it himself so he came for me to me for
help and he didn’t have the expectations
for himself he had already signaled that
to me and I didn’t have the expectation
that he was going to or wanted to or was
going to be able to do it on his own and
so I went and got someone else to take
care of the problem but I also had an
expectation that they would do it and
apparently they did right um as far as I
know no one’s come back up and said
anything right it appears now that was
successful he was very upset about not
having food and I’m pretty sure he would
have come back up and said something if
um his sibling didn’t help him with that
because again there was an expectation
that they would help him because I told
them too so it does expectation have a
lot to do with explanations and
excuses yes I think so and I think
expectation equals trust how much we
trust them to fulfill whatever we have
talked about or whatever we have asked
them to do or so let’s talk about
setting expectations for other people
let’s do that real quick okay I know
that we can’t control other people and
so when we said expectations for other
people’s
behavior um then we’re setting ourselves
up for disappointment for sure a and
we’re setting up the
relationship um to to head towards a
undesirable you know trust and feeling
like it’s not we don’t you we lose trust
if someone breaks our expectations so
instead of expectations you set
boundaries you say if if you do this
then this is what’s going to happen or
this what’s not going to happen anymore
I have to I will do what am I trying to
say use you know you whatever you’re
going to do to with what you’re
comfortable to do and um take care of
the situation for yourself right so you
you you can you know verbally say I
expect that you guys are all going to
act like this while I’m doing this other
thing um but that’s unfair because you
can’t really control their thoughts and
their feelings and their actions and and
so what you can say is if you if you do
this I mean since we’re talking about
lunch and everything if you say if you
tell them ahead of time if you come into
this room while I’m having a meeting I’m
just going to ignore you and so just you
can see that’s that’s the boundary that
I’m going to set up right or you can say
if if it’s really really important then
you can come and get me and then that
way it leaves it up to them to decide is
this important enough that I’m going to
come and get Mom I think expectation in
the way that I’m using it I see it as
more as what my judgment on what their
behavior is going to be not as in you
know if they don’t so the so the
boundary is is if they don’t live up to
this exp expectation it’s what what am I
comfortable with dealing with that there
so it’s a judgment to me of what do I
expect them to do in this situation and
if they don’t do it in that situation
how am I going to take care of the
situation and and how much am I um
willing to to uh trust willing to give
them in the situation according to their
abilities or past experiences or
whatever in order to get the outcome
from the situation that I need to happen
or obviously stuff doesn’t always go the
same direction and boundaries in that
obviously they have their own boundaries
and I have what I’m comfortable with and
what and they have what they’re
comfortable boundaries are are our
actions in the situation and how we’re
going to deal with the situation that
involves us for for instance you know if
you’re going to yell at me I’m going to
get up and leave the room um because I’m
not comfortable with yelling so it’s
your responsibility in this situation
yeah you can’t set expectations for like
you just can’t yell at me you you are
not allowed to yell at me you know but
but I they might I need expectation in
what I expect to happen in the situation
now obviously they have their own what
they’re going to do and stuff like that
and and as far as setting expectations
in the way I think you’re saying it
which you know that’s a I’m not saying
that’s wrong that that’s a that’s a uh I
understand your explanation of it um and
how it’s generally used and that’s um if
you do this I’m going to you know if you
don’t do what I ask this is what I
expect you to do um that’s an that’s an
outward thing this is what I expect you
to do and if you don’t do it you’re
going to get punished or whatever so as
far as I think about expectations like I
said I think it’s about what you expect
in the situation and what and and
judging judging how much trust you can
give somebody else uh or trust them to
do what you need to get done or whatever
versus the action what I would consider
more of an action this is what you’re
going to do and if you don’t do it this
is what I expect you to do as in this is
this is my demands on the situation
rather than my judgment on the situation
and and the level of judgment what I
judge to be the level of trust I uh can
expect from the situation and I think
that’s a a more personal expectations
rather than like I said an action and
putting it on someone else I don’t know
I think I got a little lost there in my
explanation I I think I heard her saying
I would like to change it to the word
expectation and Boundary just take that
away there are certain things that an
individual of any particular age can be
expected to do so like a seven year-old
and a 15-year-old have different
different jobs around the house
different responsibilities for one
another um for their own belongings for
the way they treat you they have to be
trained and they have to get to a
certain degree so there are different um
expectations but whenever a child is
pushing that boundary then they
understand that there’s going to be
consequences they’re not doing I have
never ever even really young children
I’ve never seen someone do something
really really bad and not look a little
bit guilty or or behave like they did
something wrong I’ve seen one-year-olds
hit their baby and then lay down in the
corner and put a blanket over themselves
because they didn’t not their baby their
baby sister or brother cuz they kind of
had that innately and then I think
that’s where like an excuse might come
in well she threw she hit me with her
hand you know she pinched my lip you
know that that would still be an excuse
in kind of a very basic level I I think
I have two thoughts on that though I
think it depends on the child because
there’s obviously different Childs of I
think generally you can expect things
out of different age levels but then
there’s
circumstances cognitive abilities and
stuff that would cause it to be
different and I also don’t I don’t know
if I agree that it’s 100% innate because
obviously well for instance when was
little and he has autism he would hit me
a lot all the time and laugh about it
and he had even when I was uh yelled at
him about it he had didn’t seem to have
any um now obviously he has autism but
he didn’t seem to have any ability to
recognize innately that that was wrong
otherwise he would have hit me in the
first place or laughed about it
afterwards and I think that maybe that
that um sometimes the that something is
bad is something that’s taught because
they’ve hit somebody and then somebody’s
yelled at them about it because I think
as far as as whether something’s
explicitly right and wrong I think it’s
a cultural thing that’s taught although
we’re taught when we hit somebody and
they they get upset if you’re able to
recognize that then that tells you that
that’s a bad thing because it causes
harm to another person but I’m I I don’t
know I’d have to look at studies and
stuff to see whether that’s an a thing
that um baby the baby tidler yeah
understand whether it’s nurture versus
nature type thing can I self can I self
correct sort of off I need to correct
what I said there is a development level
and a developmental age and some people
meet it at 2 years old yeah and some
people are 16 before they’re kind of
thinking cognitively but eventually they
will I think whether it’s learned or
perhaps you’re talking you’re talking
about maturity right yeah mat sometimes
never happens right and I think that
goes back to knowing someone personally
engaging whether whether you know what
level they’re at and what from past
experiences and conversations and stuff
what whether you can trust them to to
fulfill what you’re asking of them okay
I see your level of of trust is based on
your expectations and the history you
have with somebody relationship so
relationship has a time frame in that
time frame you have trust that trust and
that expectation would then require an
excuse let’s let’s use God God knows us
all more than we know ourselves let’s
say does he have trust for us I’m sure
he would trust us to whatever he feels
our level of yeah if there’s a
relationship there and there’s
expectations then there’s Trust of some
kind and is there an expectation for
every human plan on the on the Earth
Earth from a God view I’m sure otherwise
we wouldn’t be here if the you know okay
so where do we give our excuses or
explanations to a Supreme Being to God I
don’t think that there is a need for an
excuse because he knows everything so
there’s there’s no okay okay and that’s
good why would God not need an excuse if
we need excuses well it would have to
come down to trust well maybe maybe
trust or omnicient you identifyed he
knows everything if we trust him 100 %
and that he knows everything he wouldn’t
need an excuse well well if we trust him
then that means that he’s the one that
would possibly need to give an excuse to
us an explanation as to why he killed
these people or whatever right but trust
goes both directions if you fully trust
somebody and that they’re not going to
do harm or break the agreement situation
or whatever then you don’t need an an
excuse you might want to understand the
circumstance more and need an
explanation or want an explanation but
you wouldn’t need an excuse because you
would trust that they did whatever they
needed to do in good faith and so you
wouldn’t ask for an excuse or an
explanation because you know them well
enough like yourself right but you you
might feel like you want an explanation
in order to understand what happened in
the purse but not necessarily needed
explanation like you want to understand
the situation better and what surrounded
it to come to that but or the person
better so out of curiosity you might
want to ask for an explanation yes or
out of pain or or desperation pain
sometimes things happen and you just get
on your knees and you ask Heavenly
Father why and you you rarely get an
answer specifically but you do get
comfort and peace you get like this
understanding and and I wonder too if we
have that with our own kids cuz
sometimes I don’t address my children
and sometimes I do um I were just having
this conversation one of my children
lives in my house right now and she
doesn’t think she needs to move right
now and I sort of think she does like
she needs to find a house and move and
so I had that huge expectation of her
but I didn’t just blurt it out and say
well why do you think you could live in
my house forever so this is something we
will address before she hears this
podcast that comes back to BR boundaries
too and it’s expectations versus
boundaries you you have your reasons for
wanting your house back to yourself and
all of that um and maybe it’s and maybe
you even have expectations for her I
just kind of think I should I should ask
her and let her explain right well that
whether she has a good enough excuse to
stay in your
house that’s what I mean yeah you would
like an excuse from them whether so you
can judge whether your whether you enact
your boundaries or where your boundaries
are in the situation because you feel
it’s a negative situation that’s
impacting your boundaries or your life
so the expectation I I’ve had an idea
that expectations are the things that
cause annoyances you can be annoyed with
something if you have an expectation do
you have to be annoyed no why how can
you not be annoyed in your life by
accepting the whether you have an
expectation or not accepting the outcome
so you would like something to happen
this way but if it doesn’t that’s fine
you will do something else right because
you know more you know more so if you
you lower your expectations is the idea
the the concept I believe in order to
not require so that’s why I wanted to
try to introduce God try to introduce
the highest Supreme Being you can think
of that is not going to require an
explanation from us he gives us the
opportunity to repent but he doesn’t say
you have to go through this Penance
that’s that some religions may come up
with that that Penance is required but
God doesn’t say you have to do that he’s
saying here’s some Commandments here’s
what I expect and he’s not going to come
down and and damn you right now I guess
for doing what you do for living life so
he knows everything um and so do we but
we don’t know everything of every person
and I think that’s where judgment using
your judgment comes from why don’t we
why don’t we feel like we know enough
about every person that we’re having a
relationship with because we’re not
inside their mind okay and do you want
to be inside their mind no but that’s
what an excuse is about is what were you
what was going on with you during this
situation okay and why in that situation
why would you care what was going on in
their mind because I want to understand
them better so that I can okay um
understand first out of curiosity
perhaps what’s the other reason that
you’d want to know what’s going on in
their mind because if we’re talking
about where um I felt there was a
problem in the situ a it’s be it’s to
understand whether I could where I could
put my expectations later on and where I
can to give to try to um plan and
control a
situation um which of course we can’t
have 100% control of the situation but
is control important it is if you want a
certain outcome okay so you said that
earlier outcomes is outcome really the
only only reason you would want an
excuse is because the outcome isn’t what
you expected right because then say in
the situation where I got um one of my
children to help the other one make food
I need to know who’s most likely to do
that when I come down and ask them to do
it because I have right now I have the
expectation that they did do it because
they usually do so I don’t need to come
down and make sure the situation
happened so would that be your favorite
child that you asked no it depends on
the situation and whether I feel like
they’re capable of doing it or not okay
and so did you favor you favored that
child you knew that child was it likely
to succeed in your request in that
situation yes in that situation you had
a favorite child um so
circumstances uh I she wasn’t the first
one I was going to ask she was actually
the third of the um older children right
because because I had the a lesser
expectation of her fulfilling that now
the other two were busy doing something
else they weren’t convenient it wasn’t
convenient for them it was convenient
enough there was expectation that she
could accomplish that task right and I
could have tried to talk one of the
other ones into doing it but she was was
free and not doing anything I mean
everyone’s always doing something but
yeah she was
available but if I had a lower
expectation of her from
previous
situations then I might talk try to talk
one of the other ones into doing it if
if I felt like they and but that’s also
personal feelings between the two of us
if I felt like they weren’t um as busy
to not be able to do that because they
may feel otherwise but but that’s where
negotiation and talking comes in what
does control have to do with
expectations and outcome outcome control
expectations so obviously when we set
something in motion we want a certain
outcome for instance I wanted him to get
fed and without me doing it because I’m
in the middle of something else so I
want to figure out how to get that to
get the most to to set in motion things
so that that’s the most likely outcome
and so I’m going to see what I can I can
do what I can control um to to get that
outcome okay why did P not do anything
during that scenario because I was asked
and I was his because there was an
expectation between the two of us
because he expected if he came to me and
asked me so it was an understanding and
Trust if he came to me and told me his
problem that I would take care of it he
didn’t tell didn’t tell his grandmother
no because about the problem because
they don’t have that that sort of
situation I mean I guess if I wasn’t
here for instance one of kids came in
early this morning and well she said she
her daughter said she was asleep but I
guess she wasn’t but anyhow she came in
and she told me that she wanted food
which I asked her you know where you
know I helped her take care of that
would she hadn’t asked me for food
before but her mother who she trusts to
take care of that she felt was
unavailable and so she found the next
person she trusted to help with that
situation right so there’s a
responsibility right but out of trust
because for him to control the situation
right is is the child also asking for
control they want to have a safe
situation he wants to have food he wants
to be safe and and he’s asking for the
responsible party to help right he’s
asking for me to control it because he
feels out of control and like he can’t
control it so adding control is a good
thing right as long as it’s freely given
or if in the case of a child it’s my
responsibility to make sure he doesn’t
die right because sometimes I have to
take control and dying happens three or
four days later not 10 minutes right
he’s going to live for a little while
right so the
expectation expectation of an outcome is
why would you would require an ex an
explanation right and if you’re asking
for an explanation of
someone why does it matter if it comes
off as an excuse or an explanation why
do you need to judge between excuse or
explanation well like said it’s because
you’re judging whether they were taking
could take responsibility or are taking
responsibility or not and then that
tells you whether you can trust them in
a similar situation or even other
situations later so you’re trying to
control their future as well no control
your future because you’re trying to
figure out what you can give or take
from the situation to to get the outcome
that you either agreed upon or need
because you can’t control what they do
but you can try to in order to have
trust in them try to figure out whether
there’s somebody that will um uphold
what they said they were going to do and
that’s important when trying to well
like if you said you were going to meet
somebody somewhere and you show up and
they never show up and this is something
they do constantly now there can be an
excuse for that too because there can be
situations that happen that make it so
they can’t show up ever but if it’s an
ongoing thing and it’s it’s something
they choose then you know you can’t meet
up with them but also if it’s an excuse
you know you can’t meet up with them so
it’s also it’s it’s coming to an
expectation of a conclusion of the what
you want out of the situation okay and
choosing what you’re going to do about
that whether you’re going to show up and
just sit there and wait for them and
hope that that situation that happens
that gives an excuse doesn’t happen or
whether you’re just not going to do it
because they’re not very likely to do it
in the first place because they break
that constantly for because they because
they just feel like it or whatever so
it’s a setting of boundaries again and
what you feel like you’re willing to um
do on your part and be okay with in the
situation for the outcome you want I I’m
gonna say there’s a time whenever a mom
might give an excuse where maybe she’s
sick or she’s got a broken ankle and the
child comes to her and says I need you
to come out here and and get the kitten
out of the tree and you just can’t and
so you say I really can’t that sounds
like an explanation to me I really can’t
go get that kitten out of the tree it is
it’s an excuse and an explanation at the
same time I would think but the with the
descrip description of which one is
taking ownership and responsibility and
which one is trying to blame his outside
circumstance blame your ankle right with
a broken ankle you can climb a tree come
on Mom you can climb a tree with a
broken ankle possibly possibly it
depends on maybe not depends on the
person and the tree I would
say right and but and and the mentality
or the determination of the person right
if you need to climb the tree your ankle
won’t matter at all but if you’re just
annoyed that the kid asked you to get
the cat out of the tree it doesn’t
matter what the excuse is oh we had
chicken last night is just as good right
but I would say that’s a not in good
faith um excuse and it’s on the child
again whether they accept that or not
now accepting excuses or not really has
to do whether they would trust their mom
to come help with and with child
children um that could be a big thing
and they don’t trust you to help with a
lot of other things later if they don’t
understand the C the circumstance if you
just said we had chicken for dinner for
because they wanted you to get a cat out
of the tree so like I said I think it
has to do with building trust or
whatever because then they will lower
that their expectations of you being
able to help them at least in that
circumstance uh later and then maybe you
could figure out a way where you didn’t
have to actually climb the tree with
your broken angle or help them to figure
out a way to get the kitten down sure
and so that but anyway you but we rarely
as um mothers because there’s two
mothers sitting in this room um three
the she’s not um we rarely as mothers
just say no we always try to figure it
out I so we rarely say we rarely say I’m
not going to do that for you we do it
even when we don’t want to sometimes
yeah I think though some mothers
probably just say know sometimes or like
if you’re feeling overwhelmed or
whatever you but yes you can give
excuses that aren’t actual excuses I
wouldn’t say that was an excuse then but
you’re using it as an excuse but whether
it’s an excuse or whether it matters or
whether it’s true or not are three
different things well I found another
quote I was looking for the original to
see if it was spenc W Kimble but he says
SP W Kimble said any excuse for non
performance no matter how valid weakens
your character and I just I’ve been
thinking about that for the last few
minutes in listening and I do believe
that an excuse possibly could be
negative and maybe one of the scenarios
that came up earlier was the parent asks
for an
explanation and then they accuse the
child of get giving an excuse rather
than an
explanation so I don’t know have time
but it would be nice to kind of decide
what what what said already described it
but can you give an explanation and have
it not be an excuse I would say for sure
but that also is subjective to to the
person involved because they decided
that your circumstances and the
decisions you you made in them were not
an excuse so it’s a judge from the other
person it was not good enough for them
they felt you could do something
different or take responsibility in a
different way okay so the person that
gave the excuse the supposed excuse was
it an excuse from their delivery did
they deliver an excuse or did they
deliver an exp oh they they could they
could believe that they felt like it was
good enough that they didn’t need to
take responsibility and that it was
could you’re saying they could believe I
I’m saying I would propose they
absolutely believe that their explan is
accurate from their perspective from
their point of view that’s the only
thing they could have done and they’re
telling you this the only thing I could
have done and then it’s up to your
judgment and your expectation and your
possible annoyances that say you could
have done something else that wasn’t the
only way to get if that’s what they
believe in it’s in good faith if they’re
not giving if it’s an if they believe
it’s an actual excuse and they’re not
saying something just to excuse
themselves I think that every person
most likely is going to intentionally
give an explanation whether needed or
not or requested or not and I’m talking
more about adults and and older children
that have that cognitive ability they’re
going to give an explanation and I think
now we’re kind of going to where who’s
receiving that who’s listening to it and
how how well they understand that person
giving the explanation that’s the trust
thing again yeah
trust in responsibility I want to add
the word responsibility there correct
but they’re judging whether you were
responsible enough for the situation
whether they felt you were responsible
enough and whether the circumstances
that you have given them now I think the
excuse is your intention is whether to
like I said trust again and what what
you want out of the situation whether
you intend to sway them towards excusing
you or not because if you just give an
explanation in the situation and let
them judge it either direction because
you can tell a story in many different
ways and if you word it in a way that
I’m sorry this is what happened like you
should forgive me for this um rather
than this is the situation that um
happened around the situation or or uh
leading up to the result and you can
decide what to do with that so I think
intent intent plays a big role whether
you intend it to be an excuse or not now
whether the other person takes it as an
excuse whether negatively like you’re
trying to make an excuse and they feel
like they’re being manipulated or not or
try like you’re trying to manipulate
them is another thing I wanted Spencer W
Kimbell was a prophet a director of
lives and living and saying this is the
right way to live his quote said an
excuse is never can you say that again
maybe maybe you can find it again I can
an excuse for
nonperformance no matter how valid
weakens your character okay so he’s
saying this is the way to good character
so we all want to have good character we
want to do things right no matter what
you you do no matter how valid the
reason or explanation is
if you can term it as an excuse so
excuse for non-b behavior
non-performance is it possible to not
perform it’s possible to make errors or
mistakes or not perform well of course
yeah so you’re gonna you’re going to
have errors you’re have mistakes it’s
possible right if you always blame
someone else or make an excuse for it an
excuse for that my my ankle was hurting
or you know we had chicken last night
and excuse any excuse decree and you’re
talking about that’s the trust and the
responsibility MH it weakens your trust
weakens weakens your character where can
you use those excuses though I mean
there are circumstances that were around
you non-performing so if you didn’t
perform is it valid for you to consider
why you did not perform sure and how do
you do that it’s it’s important it’s
important to consider whether whether
like she was talking about
responsibility whether you are the one
responsible for the out
or there were situations that caused it
whether you can make change or not to to
be able to perform what you need it to
perform that you didn’t in the future
you need to change something for
tomorrow for the next 10 minutes or you
know for your future you need to learn
from it it that’s growth that’s the
growth process is identifying what
occurred you know and you’re asking
yourself that all the time you know this
isn’t this isn’t a a thing explanation
excuses that you need to worry about
your kids or your husband or your wife
or you know any any relationship you
have your relationship with yourself is
primarily important in your explanations
and your excuses right if you can make
sure that everything that you discuss in
your non-performance is based on an
explanation this is what occurred and
this is what I can learn from it this is
what I can move what boundary I can put
in place maybe even or what situation
you you can avoid or do something
different L even if it wasn’t something
you
negligently caused right non-performance
is just the outcome wasn’t achieved an
expected outcome yeah the expectation
whether for yourself or between you and
someone else it was broken and wasn’t
achieved I have a thought so we don’t
have to make an it can be an excuse or
an explanation even if we don’t give it
to someone else if it’s only with us if
we’re like man I didn’t practice enough
and I played ter Parable at church today
that’s because I didn’t practice enough
and that’s kind of an excuse or you
could say it’s because I didn’t get
enough sleep last night or you could
blame all kinds of things as an excuse
but you can say it to yourself you don’t
have to say it to someone else to make
it a valid excuse unless unless they’re
generally curious so the question then
is is an excuse manipulation like giving
an excuse because you’re trying to and I
think that’s what I said before you’re
trying to get a certain outcome from it
so and is manipulation wrong in every
situation and I guess that depends on
what you Divi define manipulation as
because that comes back to trying to
control a situation but then again give
is giving an excuse trying to control
the other person or trying to control
yourself but I think that would be more
explanation then because you leave it up
to them I think in giving an excuse It’s
with you telling them like said
responsibility wise that I had no
responsibility for this don’t look bad
about uh at me about this trust me more
as far as giving an explanation this is
what happened this is how um I was
involved in it or wasn’t involved in it
and just in good faith just leaving it
up to them to determine how they feel
about it I think it an excuse then is
more manipulation it’s like pleading
with them to believe that you had
responsibility in it because you that’s
how you want them to feel and I think
that’s why parents get mad when they and
they say you’re giving the excuses it’s
a signal that they’re saying you’re
trying to manipulate me which gets
confus well got confusing for me as a
child because that’s I wouldn’t say that
wasn’t that that was what I wasn’t
always trying to do but more often than
not when they asked me why I did
something I would be trying to explain
the situation rather than be like I
wasn’t involved in this at all I
shouldn’t be punished and that got
confusing for me but I don’t know if
that’s typical for all children I think
you’re going in the right direction with
this idea of manipulation and um it it
seems to make sense that well anytime
that you’re trying to convince someone
of your motives or your intent or or um
how innocent you are in a situation like
you’re you’re trying to make them
understand your point of view I mean I
don’t know if we would say
manipulation but the idea is that um if
you’re giving them an excuse you’re
trying to you’re trying to tell them
that there was nothing you could have
done about it if you’re giving them an
explanation and you’re trying to tell
them that this is what happened and
here’s the part that I played in it but
I think really overall you’ve got to
remember that you can’t control what
they’re thinking about it whether you’re
giving excuses or explanations right
like they’re going to see that they’re
going to see they’re going to hear words
out of your mouth and they’re going to
think something about that and you have
absolutely no control over that like you
can use all of the best words in the
world right and it could still be
completely under it can be understood
completely differently than how you were
trying to convey it yeah I think that
why we give excuses or how they get
received um has to do goes back to trust
though because if you don’t trust them
to judge what you said fairly because
you want that outcome of them believing
you and not being a you know believing
that you had no responsibility or
whatever then you would try to give them
an excuse in order to try to persuade
them more to your point of view but if
they trust you they wouldn’t need an
excuse when we’re talking about trust
we’re kind of talking about shared
experiences and um they know you they
know they know how you’ve been before
and I think while we’re talking about
this we need to remember what we C what
we have control over and what we don’t
have control over we can we ourselves
like I can control whether whether I’m
perceiving that I’m giving an excuse or
an explanation but I can’t control
whether the person I’m giving these
excuses and explanations too will see
them as what I think that I’m giving
them
as right and another thing I can’t
control is whether that other person is
giving me excuses or explanations I
can’t read their mind I don’t know if
they consider what they’re telling me is
as is an excuse or or if it’s an
explanation I I can’t read their mind I
don’t know and so what I can control
there is how I receive it what I’m
thinking I’m hearing them say my dog ate
my homework and I can receive that as an
excuse or an explanation and it doesn’t
matter what their intent was I can give
them Grace and I can give them the
benefit of the doubt and that’s what I
have control over I can’t if if I try to
place any responsibility for my thoughts
on them then I’m going about it all
wrong I I can’t tell them well you said
that completely wrong and so now I’m
going to be mad at you you know because
they can’t read my mind but if you’re if
you’re you’re the individual and you
said something wrong and there’s a
reason that you did it you you have an
excuse for saying something wrong for
using foul language or whatever you said
that was just incorrect are you upset
with yourself that depends on whether
you care about the other person or not
no it’s just within you just you it’s
not even that other person you mean me
in general yeah you by yourself in the
middle of nowhere decided to think
something stupid I’d feel upset about
stuff that I did that truly was out of
my control and it wouldn’t be as far as
I can tell avoidable right some
circumstance happens you say something
stupid you yell at something maybe just
an animal you know it’s it’s no no
relationship you’re hurting or a car on
the road road rage well I don’t drive
but um as far as getting up well I still
get Road rates or um annoyed you get
upset with other driver um I still I
still am in the car and get annoyed
sometimes do I get upset about my
actions if nobody else was around is
that what you’re asking correct no one
you’re not you’re not in a relationship
with anyone else it’s just yourself yeah
there wouldn’t be an explanation or
excuse there because this is not between
two people I’m not giving that needing
to give that to anyone okay that’s
incorrect I believe I want to state that
you you do give yourself excuses and
explanations all the time well if you’re
thinking about it and you one wondering
why you did something because whether
you’re a curious or want to um change
circumstances then yes right so if
you’re curious or if you’re upset right
I think some people just do stuff and
don’t care one way or another or like
you said I guess they feel like they’re
Justified to themselves so I guess I can
see that but even Justified to
themselves they’re making an excuse or
an explanation I use these words that I
speak because that’s the only way I can
get their attention so I’m using these
curse words because it attends people
well if you’re talking about alone if
you were alone you wouldn’t be doing it
to other people but yeah you do stuff
alone that you justify I mean people in
general do we need to identify if if
explanations or excuses are just in
relationship to other people or if
that’s ourselves too oh for sure I I
tried to bring that in from Spencer
Kimbell Spencer W Kimbell that an excuse
is never valid can we say that is that a
a something that could be proven uh I
would say we’d have to I’m trying to
think of what we decide an excuse was um
blaming someone else blaming not taking
responsibility for yourself but or
whether you can take responsibility for
it or not a doctor’s excuse let’s let’s
use a doctor’s excuse so if you you have
a a test to take or or you’re called a
jury duty but you got a doctor’s excuse
can’t serve on the jury because I’ve got
this medical condition that I can’t sit
in a room for three hours or little more
that that’s a valid use of an excuse is
that a negative excuse or a positive
excuse well it’s a positive for you
because the outcome would be negative if
you didn’t use the the excuse or maybe
you really wanted to serve on the
jury and the doctor is not going to
allow you because you can’t sit there
that long right but it would still be
negative for you or at least he’s deemed
it’s negative for you that the outcomes
would be more negative than positive
outcomes meaning whether you wanted to
serve on the jury or whether you didn’t
want to serve whether it would the whole
situation would be a net positive or a
net negative if you served and you were
miserable and you did harm to yourself
you got sick or caused a problem for the
for the uh for the trial the trial um
because you got sick and you couldn’t be
there and they have to switch in
somebody else or or it would you die
from sitting for blood clots from
sitting too walk or something like that
so so for you or for the trial the it’s
been judged a a negative thing but is
that an excuse or an explanation why
you’re not doing that it’s used they
call it excuse called as an excuse and
that goes back to whether excuses are
always negative and manipulation is it
possible to use an excuse and not
manipulate I would say no because you’re
still trying to control the situation
you want them to lean towards a certain
way of thinking about you rather than
just saying these are the circumstances
you judge whether where your boundaries
are and whether that’s good enough for
you what about what about persuasive
speech then if you if you just wanted to
help convince somebody so that’s still
manipulation because you’re trying to
persuade them and and and that question
is is whether manipulation is always a
bad thing right right I would say that’s
subjective because because when we’re
talking to someone there’s we’re always
trying to get them to like said
understand from our perspective which
means we want them to understand why we
think we’re right here’s here’s my one
one concept that I kind of wrote down
earlier that there are no excuses I
believe excuses don’t exist we we don’t
give excuses we give explanations we
only give facts based on our perspective
so that’s how I framed that I agree with
that but you could also try to put facts
in a more flattering light or what you
think would be more flattering light
it’s like telling stories from different
perspectives or from in different ways
and obviously you can outright lie yeah
or you could be giving half truths like
you could be giving the facts everything
you said was a fact but it was half of
it you know right leaving stuff out to
make yourself look better so it’s a I
would say that excuses are manipulations
whether they’re well meant or otherwise
and it’s the same thing if we’re making
an excuse to ourself we want to feel
better about what we did and we don’t
want to we want to not have to make a
change in which case we’re judging is
was that an okay thing for me to do well
why was it an okay thing to do and I
would say if you’re looking for an
excuse rather than what what my what was
my responsibility in this situation then
you’re trying to persuade yourself that
it was okay so they were trying to
persuade and manipulate yourself to an
outcome or at least allow yourself to be
to lean that direction so so change
would be the reason that some people
would use excuses or to not change to
not change to not want to change um what
what is it called when when someone you
go through a a debriefing that’s what
I’m trying to think of where where you
look at a situation and you identify
this is what I felt how we did it this
is what all the facts that happened and
these are the decisions we made during
that process decisions that happened so
we we just debriefed you and the the
lunch and hungry and I need some food so
that was a debriefing if you do that
individually or with the group or with
the relationship you’re doing that for
the purpose of finding out what we could
have changed what we could have done
differently and how can we set that up
for our future actions to be changed and
part of what you’re talking talking
about in that would be excuses you know
what what are the excuses you have for
not performing the way that we wanted to
perform there’s excuses there’s there’s
possibly Mis decisions things that were
done wrong incorrectly uh mistakes that
were made things you didn’t see that you
weren’t aware of that were a valid
excuse not aware of that that just hit
me all of that stuff is part of the
debriefing scen scenario you’re only
going to go to a debriefing if you’re
actually want to change right so I think
there’s a difference between finding an
excuse and making an excuse as in you’re
looking for reasons why why you don’t
the it’s it’s your mindset and whether
you’re looking for whether you’re
looking at all the facts and saying this
is what this was my fault or I had an
effects on it or whether you’re looking
for in what ways did circumstances
happen to me and kind of ignoring like
you’re ignoring the other circumstances
and your responsibility because you
always have some responsibility to a
degree so if you’re looking for an
excuse or to excuse yourself it it has
to I think it has to go back to the way
you want the outcome to be and wanting
an outcome and a more positive outcome
because if you don’t want to change you
don’t want to see the negative aspect or
what you would feel is negative and your
responsibility for it so finding excuses
or things that can be excus because of
situations is important because that’s
you weighing and judging the situation
what was I responsible for how did this
happen and I think it’s the outcome
whether you want change whether you
don’t want it to happen again because if
you didn’t have control over that then
you say how how can I avoid that because
if this is obviously what that outcome
and what can I do myself to avoid that
situation altogether and what came into
play with that your actions and the
other situation so I think it’s mindset
of whether you’re looking to make an
excuse or give an excuse and whether the
difference between making an excuse and
actually having something that is an
excuse well if you’re going to give an
explanation you’re not necessarily going
to make the excuse the excuse is
something it’s kind of like a knee-jerk
reaction if you’re going to make make up
make an excuse or make up an excuse
right well but like said there there’s
things that would
legitimately excuse your
responsibility as far as that part of
the situation and if it’s something you
weren’t weren’t aware of that you say
that outside circumstance I I wasn’t
aware of and it it surprised us and when
it surprised us we made the wrong
decision but you can say what can we do
now to pay attention to that be more
circumspect and understand what may have
had come from that direction right
that’s what I’m saying that’s very
important too if you’re
looking but this is all coming down to
trying to get a certain outcome because
we want better situations well
improvement becoming a better person all
the time is that the outcome well it
depends that’s that’s for personal stuff
but um as like I said like meeting up
with somebody if you actually want to
meet up with them you’re going to
whether it’s your fault their not
meeting up with them you or their faults
you’re going to have to figure out where
that lies with you and what you can
change or you have are going to decide
that meeting up with them is not
something that’s either feasible or a
good thing in your life but yeah as far
as personal change but that that goes
down to relationships but as far as
personally it’s important to to figure
out what you can control and what you
were responsible for taking
responsibility right you are either
responsible for everything or not
responsible for everything and either
position can be validly argued true but
it has to do with what you what the
outcome you watch is because if you’re
not responsible for anything then you
have no you might as well not plan or
have any uh control whatsoever for the
towards the act and then you can blame
everybody else for everything including
God this is what H why it happens and
not my fault and you end up not doing
anything right there’s no constructive
progress or or making your life any
better so that’s why it is your
individual life no matter what you look
at it’s your individual progress even
with every relationship and every other
situation in your life because that’s
all you can control and all you can be
responsible for right and if you
determine let’s just say for instance
you determine that you don’t want to be
responsible for your life you know it’s
everyone else’s fault and there’s always
an excuse you’re not going to be at
meetups you’re not going to make it you
won’t be here at 1:00 for a phone call
it’s just not going to happen or maybe
it will happen but if it doesn’t happen
and there’s nothing to do about it and
do we get upset yeah I know lots of
people that have that mindset yeah and
and do we have a right do we have a
right to get upset at those people who
have that mind we have a right to get
upset with them I think that has to do
with where our boundaries are and how we
feel about it it it can be frustrating
for sure but I think getting upset with
them is a choice because it has to do
with I mean I care about these people I
can’t control them so it has to do with
how much of their attitude or
perspective on life um comes in contact
with mine and how it’s going to cause
problems with mine would I like to help
them and help them have a happier life
sure all I can do is try to talk to them
and change their perspective but I’m not
going to get maybe frustrated to some
degree but that has to do with
expectations I’m not going to get upset
with them unless that causes problems
with what I’m trying to accomplish um
whether happiness or safety or just
goals uh in general for myself and for
those I have responsibility for um to
whatever degree um like my children I
have responsibility to for them to a
certain degree and that has to do with
certain actions they take it’s not a
control thing if they take certain
actions I have to take the
responsibility for that and fix the
situation but they need to be taught to
take responsibility for themselves right
the well that’s part of raising your
kids is helping to figure out how to
take responsibility for themselves so so
I’m hearing that every individual should
for the most part take responsibility
for things for responsibility full
responsibility and not be giving excuses
why they didn’t because somebody else
was that happened to me because of God
or because of the way I was raised or
because I don’t have any money or
because my car broke down all those
things happened to us or we’ve had those
feelings but we should also say well I
probably could have called my sister and
got a ride and whether God gives me the
good hard they not I can still get up in
the morning and get dressed and behave
appropriately and and make myself better
so I I really think we shouldn’t make
excuses now I’m starting to feel like
people that make excuses maybe are
destroying their own character with each
excuse they make and and whether you
make it to yourself or to someone else
and I remember being about 19 now I was
older than that 29 let me just say when
I felt old when I started feeling like a
mature adult I was about 29 but I
remember clearly recognizing that I was
telling people well I would have done
that but my kids kept me busier I would
have done that but I didn’t get a chance
to take a shower this morning and so I
just missed that meeting because I
couldn’t and I there were just things
that I I was blaming everything on
something else or a circumstance and not
myself
and or even other people I mean my
neighbors they just never come over and
and they or they don’t never pick up
their yard and it makes weeds grow in my
yard and there trashes blowing into my
yard I was blaming on something else and
not on myself not I could have gone out
and picked up the trash in my yard even
if it blew from their house or top to
them but I was always acting like it was
their fault that my yard was messy or my
kids fault that I didn’t get a shower it
wasn’t their fault I could have made
arrangements
in my own life to get that done and I
eventually I realized wow it’s not all
on them it’s on me and so an explanation
would be I didn’t I didn’t get up early
enough to get my shower I didn’t pick up
my yard and now it looks like a giant
trash mess um instead of saying it was
my neighbors or my children but that
explanation would only be given to
myself usually maybe my spous that what
you would say to them is I didn’t come
if you’re being honest didn’t do that
because I didn’t want to I had something
else I wanted to do instead and that has
to do with um priorities and what you
choose as priorities what you’re saying
is I didn’t prioritize that and the
reason why you didn’t prioritize that is
subjective to whether you felt it was
more important or not than something
else so rather than an excuse it would
you would be being honest on why you
didn’t do it when taking person personal
responsibility I think that’s if if the
uh reason is actually that I didn’t want
to do it right I mean be honest with it
right well I mean you may have wanted to
do it but there may have been something
else that you felt was more important to
do though yeah and I think there are
situations where stuff does happen like
you got hit in the car by a car and
you’re in the hospital yeah there’s a
third option to giving an excuse or an
explanation you could give nothing you
could just say say nothing you could
just say I won’t be there right I can’t
do that you know you can just leave it
as that well I can’t do that is an
explanation or an excuse because you’re
saying there’s circumstances whether
you’re giving them but just saying no
I’m not doing that that’s a that’s a
choice rather than an explanation or or
an excuse and you don’t I don’t think
you owe that to everyone whether they’re
curious or think they need one I’ve
heard that if you use fewer words people
think you’re wise if you try to explain
it all out they have different thoughts
about what you said but if you just say
I am not able to be there or call them
up and say not coming today sorry click
then they just have to wonder or assume
that you really have a good reason or
you would be there well but that’s also
um setting a firm boundary it means I’m
not trying to persuade you either
direction this is what I’ve chosen for
myself and where you come into it
whether I respect you or love you or not
does not come into this because I’m not
willing to change my mind this is what
I’ve decided you know it’s all
subjective too and situational if
there’s a meeting you’re supposed to be
at or a group you’re supposed to be
leading something or do something and
you just don’t show up you don’t have to
give an excuse or an explanation you
don’t have to let them know but that
comes to wanting an outcome if you don’t
care about being fired and you’re okay
with that outcome then you’re not going
to say anything but if you want not to
get fired whether you got hit by a car
or you just decided to sleep in you’re
going to say something because the most
likely outcome is they’re going to fire
you yeah for a work environment you’d
have to call in a sick day but say you
call in a sick day you send a text I’m
sick today there’s expectation and Trust
there yeah you’re you’re allowed certain
abilities to have a personal life right
but there’s a there’s an agreement there
you’ve already agreed that you would
come in by um the cont you signed and
there’s an expectation there now when
some somebody just asked you hey will
you come do this now if it’s within your
within your job scope there’s an
expectation that you’re going to say yes
but if it’s just a personal thing and
you’re like will you come to this get
together we’re having then there’s no
expectation even if they want to say
that church if you you say I’m going to
go to church and you don’t go to church
no one’s going to ask you there there’s
no
unless you usually go to church and you
just don’t show up and then they might
call you to try to figure out because
they’re they expected you to come and
they’re worried that you something might
have happened yeah and usually what
happens is no one calls which is just
fine that’s
standard no one calls you weren’t there
they just noticed you weren’t there I
mean we had to get someone else to play
the organ this week I’ve had people show
up at my house afterwards but and ask
you where were you yeah you’re more
special than us I’m I’m not saying
that’s a general thing but I’m saying in
my experience I’ve had people show up
after church to find out why it wasn’t
there yeah see if you were sick or
there’s some reason some excuse that you
had that we can or or they said later
because I did now this is sort of off
topic but I I had um had one of my kids
and we usually stay home for a month
until we start going out to play places
and stuff and I had explained that
beforehand but you know they didn’t
understand or whatever beforehand and
then uh or afterwards and they showed up
and they’re like well we notied she
hasn’t been at church for 3 weeks yeah
and I’m like this is a family plan it’s
just our idea that wasn’t an excuse
because they could take that what
whether they thought it was justified or
not it’s was a a decision and and and a
and an explanation well ladies and
gentlemen
we may have run out of time can you wrap
it
up so here’s what I propose as the
minute and I think you already said it
maybe you said it before 100%
responsibility there’s no reason to make
excuses or I don’t know that anyone
really does make an excuse they’re
trying to give their explanation based
on their perspective and as long as they
take responsibility for that you don’t
have to view them poorly or judge them
poorly no yes I mean I think as far as
personal goes that it’s important to not
make excuses and to to um if you want
progress uh and better outcomes whether
that’s being better yourself or a better
situation it’s important to not look for
excuses and to try to view the situation
as nonbiased as you can to try to figure
out what you can control and what you
can change about yourself to have better
outcomes and that it’s important because
of people’s emotional intelligence and
the person personal responsibility they
are willing or can take for themselves
not to judge them poorly or get annoyed
by them um but to figure out what what
they’re most likely to take
responsibility for and how you can how
you can um interact with them in that
way and how you’re willing to interact
with them in that way what you’re
willing to accept um as far as outcomes
for your relationship or the situations
you’re in rather than just be upset with
them all the time because you can’t
control that okay no that’s that’s good
be responsible excuses are not necessary
right change is necessary if we look for
change you won’t have to use an excuse
right all right good

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