In which we talk about wants vs needs, and the subjective nature of priorities and values.
Recorded April 17, 2025.
Please continue the conversation with us!
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@doyouhaveaminutepodcast/videos
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Show notes and links:
Idiom – talk to the hand ✋ – YouTube
Transcript:
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If you have the wrong wants and needs, it’s because
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you’re valuing something incorrectly. And now
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my persuasion is to help you see the value from
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this different perspective. So you’ve got to
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step away from what you’re thinking, because
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what you’re thinking is wrong. That value is
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incorrect. This value is more valid. And so let
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me help persuade you by protesting, by writing
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this sign that says whatever it says, to help
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convince someone on the street that sees it.
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there’s a higher value here [intro] so let us begin i’m
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uh introducing you or bringing you into a conversation
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in this do you have a minute podcast and we welcome
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all of you to in joining us where i speak with
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my daughter and we have these uh in -depth dives
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into topics and ideas the topic today The idea
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we’d like to discuss is needs and wants, desires,
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and everything. Wants would be the primary word.
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What do you want? I want to finish this conversation.
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Just kidding. We want to be done. Okay, so there’s
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a want. You have certain time demands in your
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wants. Why would you start something if you didn’t
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want to finish it at some point, right? I don’t
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know. Yeah. Maybe not. We want to finish this
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conversation, but we have realistic, you realize
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what’s around that. So that’s a great example.
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We know we’re going to finish this in two hours.
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Approximately, yeah. Might take longer. We want
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to be done. We want to move to the next thing.
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And we maybe want so much to be done that we’re
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working on other things while we’re doing this.
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Appropriately? Yes. Because you want something
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else, too. You want to finish that. item you’re
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working on. Yes. I’m knitting something and I
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do want to finish it. And the only way I’m going
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to finish it is if I work on it when I’m doing
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other things. Nobody sits down to knit and only
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knit. Never happens. Okay. That’s like all of
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you others that are listening to this podcast.
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You’re not just sitting here listening to this
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podcast. You’re doing other things. Likely. Yeah.
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You want to listen to it, but in order to do
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it, So when you want something, how do we identify
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that? Like, what do you mean when you want something?
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Are we trying to define what a want is? Yeah.
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What is want? It’s a desire. Do you want something
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to do? If there’s something missing, if there’s
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something missing, then that thing is wanted.
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Maybe. For want of something is how they say.
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Or an experience was left wanting. It’s missing
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or it’s… That you didn’t enjoy the full benefit
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of the experience was left wanting. If you’re
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in want of something, it means you don’t have
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it right now. You want it. And sometimes you
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have something, but you want more of it. You
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still want it. I have it, but I still want it.
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Yeah, I want it. So I’m going to keep it. I want
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it more. Or, yeah, I’m going to keep it. I want
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my dogs. If I didn’t want them, I’d probably
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get rid of them. I have them and I continue to
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want them. You keep the things you continue to
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want. Yeah. So you’re talking about wants. Wants
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are, it’s a fairly simple word. Does it have
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any bigger meaning to it? That’s what I’m trying
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to see. And the bigger meaning is it’s what you
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hold. Your priorities. So is want a priority?
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I think it’s a part of having priorities. I don’t
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want. I don’t want any more dresses than what
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is in my closet because I have enough and my
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priorities in my life don’t necessitate more
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than what I’ve got. You have sufficient. Yes.
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So you want them. You still want that. I want
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the ones that I have. I just don’t want more
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than that. You have sufficient amount. Yeah.
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You don’t want another. You don’t want more.
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Yes. You do want them because they’re sufficient.
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So there’s a delineation to what your wants are.
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You don’t have an unlimited want for something.
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You limit your wants. Yeah, my wants are limited.
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I don’t want more than the dogs that I have.
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Yeah, you don’t want six or seven. No, I just
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want these two. And then you have that cat that
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serves as a dog as well. Practically. Do you
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want more cats? I don’t want more cats, but other
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people in my house do. And so I want them to
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be happy and fulfilled. And I wonder if weddings…
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If you could potentially want another cat. Yeah,
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in a roundabout way. I wouldn’t want the cat.
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I would want what happens because of the cat.
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Because the cat shows up. The enjoyment of someone
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else, someone else’s want, you would prioritize.
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Yeah. So you can prioritize people’s wants. Now,
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if I didn’t want a cat, if I wanted no cat, no
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more cats. Correct. That would be… Like say
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that it’s in my house and I want no cats. Yeah,
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that would be different. I wouldn’t prioritize
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their wants over my want for no cat. Of no cat.
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Okay. How strong are wants? You can prioritize
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it, but they have a strength too. They have an
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order of… They’re on a spectrum of weak to
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strong. A value spectrum. Yeah. So if you have
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a very strong value that you want chocolate in
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your house and you need chocolate milk and chocolate
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cookies and chocolate chips, what do you call
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that? If you desire a certain type of food, it’s
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a what? It’s a… A hankering for something.
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It’s not that, though. It’s… Hankering. What
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is it? What is it when you’re… It’s not an
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addiction. It’s not. There’s a word. A craving.
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Yeah. That’s what they call it. Yeah. If you
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have a craving for something, and that’s fleeting.
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Your want can be fleeting. It can change. You
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know, today I’m craving salmon. Yeah. Oh, yesterday
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I was craving pickle spears, but the ones that
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we have were spicy. I’m thinking some crazy flavor.
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They called them zesty on the jar. I think we
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got the wrong kind. They were zesty pickle spears.
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And I’m like, I actually don’t want this anymore.
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That ruins it for the dill pickle flavor. Yeah.
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So you wanted something, but it wasn’t exactly
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what you wanted. I thought that I had. Those
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people who love the zest. And that’s a new word
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that’s come out. I’ve learned that I don’t want
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anything that has the word zesty on it. Really?
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Because it actually means spicy? It means spicy.
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It means hot. You’ve got some hot in there. It’s
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like zesty ranch is not ranch dressing. It’s
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not. It’s spicy dressing. Zesty ranch. That’s
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how it caught me that one time. I went to get
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some Thai food with a sister and her husband.
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over the weekend. We got some curry and whatever.
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My favorite Thai food is yellow curry. It’s not
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spicy. Well, I mean, maybe it has just a teeny
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bit of spice, but it’s delicious. Anyway, but
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my sister, she got the level 10 spicy noodles,
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like rice noodles with, I don’t even know what
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it’s called, but she got the spiciest they could
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give her. And everybody at the table was like,
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you really, really want to do this? And she’s
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like, yeah, yeah, this is exactly what I want.
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And even the waitress was like, really, really
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level 10. So she got it and she was eating it
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and she was totally fine. Like nothing. It was
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okay. I had a bite of it because I was like,
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well, it can’t be that spicy if it’s not affecting
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you at all. And it killed me. My face was on
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fire. I think my tongue. So you don’t want that
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either. My tongue was hurting for like three
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days after. Yeah, I don’t want that. No spice.
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I did experience that once at a Chinese food
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place, the mustard, the hot mustard. We were
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having pork and seeds. And so I just, we were
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there with another couple. But I just dipped
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it in a hot mustard and I took more hot mustard
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than I usually did. But I just put it in my mouth
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and my whole head turned hot. Your ears. Went
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from my mouth all the way to the top of my head.
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My ears and top of my head. I said, this is weird.
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I never felt that before, but that’s why I don’t
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want hot stuff. And I put way too much mustard.
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Don’t do that. And so I drank a lot of the drink
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and ate another, you know, crackers or whatever
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it was to. calm that. So wants are on a spectrum
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of value. You value them. You have a higher value
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or lower value to be wants. Do you think that
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you could just not want something that you wanted
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before? Like you make a decision not to want
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something anymore? Yeah, definitely. I mean,
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if you can make a decision to think about something
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differently, that’s essentially the same thing.
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And let me use that idea of cats. I don’t necessarily
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don’t want cats in my house. My wife does not
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want cat. Yeah. You had a farm cat. That’s probably
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a higher value. That’s probably a higher value
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for her than for me. And I don’t have any internal
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drive to not or to do have cats or dogs. I could
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have a dog or I could not have a dog. I’m okay.
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Either way. Your wants, I think, can be described
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that way. Do you want a dog? Sure. I want a dog.
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But I… Don’t want one so much that I’m going
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to give up anything else to get it. Or I can
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live with a cat. I could eat. That was from a
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movie one time. Are you hungry? I could eat.
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I don’t necessarily want to, but I could. So
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let’s go eat. If you want to eat, I’ll be happy
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to. Aren’t you allergic to cats, though? I don’t
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think so. No? It might just be something that
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we’ve always talked about. I don’t know that
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I’m allergic to anything. I don’t know that I
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want to worry. Hey, I don’t want to worry about
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that, whether I’m allergic to something or not.
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Bee stings. I haven’t been stung by a bee in
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probably 20 years because I’ve known that it
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did put me in the hospital at one time. So I’m
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probably allergic to, so I don’t want to get
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stung by a bee again. Yeah. You want not to.
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But if I do, yeah, if I do, I doubt that it will
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kill me. I mean, it was really interesting. I
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was working out and the hornet stung me right
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at the back of my neck, right on my… spinal
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cord. And so it took whatever the poison directly
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into everything. So that’s what hospitalized
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me for a day to get that cleared up. I imagine
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that even if someone that’s not usually allergic
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to bee stings, being stung in specific spots
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would be worse. It would travel faster. Yeah.
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Yeah. For some reason, just where I was stung,
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traveled it faster. If I get stung on my hands,
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it just swells up my hand and my arm, but it
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doesn’t get into my lungs and my breathing. That
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time it affected my breathing and it was really
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weird. And they say it gets worse over time.
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And so from that point on, I haven’t been stung.
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I just, I watch more carefully. So I want to
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not be stung. And I think that has a higher priority
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to me than wanting an animal or a dog or wanting
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to. The want thing is on a value system and it
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helps your priorities and helps your values.
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You value something higher, so that helps your
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priorities. You can prioritize the things you
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value more. If someone else values eating, I’m
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hungry, I want to go eat, I could eat. I’ll go
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with you. That’s fine. Let’s do it. Or I’ll help
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you cook it or I’ll cook you a meal. What do
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you want? Do you want salmon? We’ll make salmon
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and vegetables. You want me to make it? Okay,
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I’ll make it. I’m happy with that. If you can
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talk about wants, that’s a valid way to discuss
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things. I wonder if there is conscious wants
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and physical wants that you… aren’t conscious
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about, like needing food? Assumed wants? Well,
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need is the other word. I want to get to that,
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but I don’t want to. Oh, it’s different from,
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okay. A need is different from a want. So you’re
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identifying that, you’re pulling that in, but
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that’s still a necessity. That’s a want. You
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want to breathe and eat. But you said unconscious
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wants. Do you have wants that you don’t really
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verbalize? that you’re not consciously wanting
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it, but do you want something? Do you have want
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for things that you haven’t verbalized yet? Hmm.
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You know, maybe not, because if there was, then
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they would turn into needs. And that’s maybe
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the difference between a want and a need. A need
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is something that is necessary. Whether you think
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about it or not, it’s necessary, yeah? Yeah,
00:13:39.590 –> 00:13:43.250
you need oxygen. You need your lungs to operate.
00:13:43.590 –> 00:13:46.440
You don’t necessarily want them to operate. But
00:13:46.440 –> 00:13:48.419
you need it because you need it. It’s going to
00:13:48.419 –> 00:13:50.559
operate anyway, whether you consciously observe
00:13:50.559 –> 00:13:53.679
it or not, whether you notice it, it’s happening.
00:13:54.000 –> 00:13:57.399
So it doesn’t become obvious. Wants become obvious.
00:13:57.460 –> 00:14:00.539
Are all wants obvious then? When you obviate
00:14:00.539 –> 00:14:03.559
something, bring it to your consciousness, to
00:14:03.559 –> 00:14:06.559
your opening, then it becomes a want. You know,
00:14:06.559 –> 00:14:09.980
I need food. I know I need food, but I’m not
00:14:09.980 –> 00:14:11.840
necessarily hungry, so I don’t want food yet.
00:14:11.960 –> 00:14:14.179
But if I get to the point that I’m hungry, then
00:14:14.179 –> 00:14:17.070
I want food also. I know I need it, but I also
00:14:17.070 –> 00:14:19.789
want it. So now let’s do it because I want it.
00:14:19.950 –> 00:14:22.250
Yeah. You probably wouldn’t have the food unless
00:14:22.250 –> 00:14:24.649
you wanted it at some point. I mean, well, and
00:14:24.649 –> 00:14:28.049
you were saying I could eat. That person could
00:14:28.049 –> 00:14:31.669
want to eat. Yeah. And you have to want to eat
00:14:31.669 –> 00:14:33.470
in order to eat. I guess there are people who
00:14:33.470 –> 00:14:35.750
have aversions. If you have an aversion to something
00:14:35.750 –> 00:14:38.929
that you don’t want, you’re not necessarily going
00:14:38.929 –> 00:14:42.950
to do it. They will have to force you. Like cleanliness,
00:14:42.990 –> 00:14:46.700
washing your hands. Some people wash their hands all the
00:14:46.700 –> 00:14:50.360
time. They want to. And some people want to not
00:14:50.360 –> 00:14:53.259
wash their hands all the time. So if you don’t
00:14:53.259 –> 00:14:55.519
want something, you have an aversion to it. Or
00:14:55.519 –> 00:14:58.379
if it’s neutral, though, like I don’t have an
00:14:58.379 –> 00:15:00.720
aversion to more dresses. I just don’t want more
00:15:00.720 –> 00:15:03.460
dresses. I don’t have an aversion to more dogs.
00:15:03.580 –> 00:15:06.539
If a dog fell in my lap and I had to take another
00:15:06.539 –> 00:15:09.480
dog in, it’s not that I didn’t. I have a good
00:15:09.480 –> 00:15:12.440
idea then. There’s a really nice… Blue Heeler
00:15:12.440 –> 00:15:18.399
that needs to be at your house. Oh, great. It
00:15:18.399 –> 00:15:22.259
needs to fall into my lap? Yeah, it’d do very
00:15:22.259 –> 00:15:24.220
well with your two dogs. What I really want to
00:15:24.220 –> 00:15:29.000
know is why does its owner not have it? Yeah,
00:15:29.100 –> 00:15:32.139
that’s what falling into people’s laps means.
00:15:33.679 –> 00:15:37.759
It’s a question. If you want something, but you
00:15:37.759 –> 00:15:40.500
can’t take care of it where you’re at. but you
00:15:40.500 –> 00:15:43.700
still want it, then you have to see if someone
00:15:43.700 –> 00:15:46.240
else wants to help you take care of it. Yeah.
00:15:46.279 –> 00:15:49.940
And you did that for me for like a year. That
00:15:49.940 –> 00:15:53.639
was really a big thing. So I suppose it’s okay
00:15:53.639 –> 00:15:56.600
that they’re also taking advantage of you in
00:15:56.600 –> 00:16:01.740
that way. Take advantage of the hospitality of
00:16:01.740 –> 00:16:03.779
someone else who doesn’t necessarily not want
00:16:03.779 –> 00:16:06.679
it. You know, I wouldn’t go out and go through
00:16:06.679 –> 00:16:10.350
any effort to gain the dog. or the responsibility.
00:16:10.669 –> 00:16:13.269
But I’m okay taking the responsibility. It’s
00:16:13.269 –> 00:16:16.690
fine. I want, and again, that’s the pleasure
00:16:16.690 –> 00:16:19.110
of someone else, the wants of someone else. You’re
00:16:19.110 –> 00:16:21.990
prioritizing their wants. They want to keep that
00:16:21.990 –> 00:16:25.889
dog. So wants and needs. You have certain needs
00:16:25.889 –> 00:16:28.570
that are, maybe those are the unconscious things.
00:16:29.330 –> 00:16:32.190
What you need may be unconscious. And maybe it
00:16:32.190 –> 00:16:35.509
is only unconscious. Can you need something consciously?
00:16:36.009 –> 00:16:38.980
Or can you only want it consciously? Well, goodness,
00:16:39.179 –> 00:16:42.039
what is strong enough? What’s a strong enough
00:16:42.039 –> 00:16:45.259
want that it turns into a need? That is a need,
00:16:45.460 –> 00:16:51.080
yeah. Like we need an income enough, but that’s
00:16:51.080 –> 00:16:54.340
because we need food. So we want income. We want
00:16:54.340 –> 00:16:56.820
more income. You can gain income from a number
00:16:56.820 –> 00:16:58.860
of different sources. There’s a number of ways
00:16:58.860 –> 00:17:01.860
to do it. So if you want more or you want…
00:17:01.860 –> 00:17:05.420
Your needs are beyond income, though. You could…
00:17:05.720 –> 00:17:07.740
You could find some other way to meet those needs.
00:17:07.880 –> 00:17:09.940
You could just live in someone’s house as a dependent.
00:17:10.220 –> 00:17:12.259
You could be a slave and have your needs met.
00:17:12.539 –> 00:17:14.680
You could be in prison, have your needs met.
00:17:15.099 –> 00:17:21.240
Right, right. Like for my budget, I have necessities
00:17:21.240 –> 00:17:24.559
on there, things that we need, which is utilities
00:17:24.559 –> 00:17:31.619
and food. And, you know, we need to pay the mortgage.
00:17:32.019 –> 00:17:37.059
But those are really just wants. Because I don’t,
00:17:37.059 –> 00:17:39.839
I mean, the city. You’re building that. The city
00:17:39.839 –> 00:17:41.740
requires. You’re building your budget. Yeah,
00:17:41.759 –> 00:17:45.539
the city requires that we live in a house. Like
00:17:45.539 –> 00:17:49.319
I can’t, isn’t it illegal to be homeless? I think
00:17:49.319 –> 00:17:51.539
you’re not allowed to sleep. To be in a tent?
00:17:51.779 –> 00:17:55.140
On the sidewalk. You can camp out in your backyard,
00:17:55.299 –> 00:17:59.079
but you can’t camp out as your house. Yeah, right.
00:17:59.259 –> 00:18:03.039
Unless you live in Spokane or Portland or, you
00:18:03.039 –> 00:18:05.380
know, those cities that are. Yeah. Well, and
00:18:05.380 –> 00:18:09.220
there’s, like, we could camp at the 14 -day dispersed
00:18:09.220 –> 00:18:13.299
camping sites in the canyon. So maybe it’s not
00:18:13.299 –> 00:18:16.680
illegal to live like the homeless. We just can’t.
00:18:16.680 –> 00:18:20.759
There’s certain places we can’t sleep. And the
00:18:20.759 –> 00:18:22.420
city would require that you build something.
00:18:22.559 –> 00:18:24.980
If you bought a building lot and just put a tent
00:18:24.980 –> 00:18:28.220
city on it, that would not meet city code, most
00:18:28.220 –> 00:18:31.519
likely. Right. But I want to live in a house,
00:18:31.579 –> 00:18:34.190
and so I need to pay the mortgage. Right. And
00:18:34.190 –> 00:18:36.630
your budget. Well, only because you want it.
00:18:36.769 –> 00:18:39.789
The need there is subservient to a want that
00:18:39.789 –> 00:18:42.670
you have. I want to be inside of a house that’s
00:18:42.670 –> 00:18:46.170
roomy enough to operate in. So I need to build
00:18:46.170 –> 00:18:48.529
this size house. We need to pay the mortgage.
00:18:48.690 –> 00:18:52.190
We need to contract a bank to help us. And we
00:18:52.190 –> 00:18:55.750
need income to pay for that. Right. And so those
00:18:55.750 –> 00:18:58.289
needs are subservient to the wants. Your whole
00:18:58.289 –> 00:19:00.089
budget, I think, is a want. Anyone’s budget.
00:19:00.269 –> 00:19:02.990
We don’t need to do a budget. There’s no need
00:19:02.990 –> 00:19:05.809
for a budget. But the budget meets our wants.
00:19:06.009 –> 00:19:09.329
And the budget requires there’s needed necessary
00:19:09.329 –> 00:19:12.349
parts of that budget if it’s going to operate.
00:19:12.690 –> 00:19:15.950
It needs income. Yeah, the budget needs income,
00:19:16.069 –> 00:19:18.730
but the budget is only there because you want
00:19:18.730 –> 00:19:21.269
it there. Yeah, so it’s because you want it.
00:19:21.549 –> 00:19:25.250
Is there any need? Well, what needs exist regardless
00:19:25.250 –> 00:19:27.910
of whether you want them or not? Are there needs?
00:19:27.970 –> 00:19:29.569
And that may be what you’re talking about, unconscious
00:19:29.569 –> 00:19:33.400
needs. Needs that… Don’t have anything to do
00:19:33.400 –> 00:19:36.960
with any underlying wants. With your want or
00:19:36.960 –> 00:19:42.500
presupposed wants. Yeah. If you want something,
00:19:42.619 –> 00:19:45.740
you want to live in a city, so therefore you
00:19:45.740 –> 00:19:48.900
need to operate based on the city’s laws. Or
00:19:48.900 –> 00:19:52.720
you want to not live under city’s laws, so you
00:19:52.720 –> 00:19:57.140
need to find a place in the county or in another
00:19:57.140 –> 00:19:59.660
country that doesn’t have these type laws to
00:19:59.660 –> 00:20:02.259
live under. but it’s only because you want to
00:20:02.259 –> 00:20:04.700
be under those laws or outside of those laws.
00:20:05.059 –> 00:20:08.680
Well, physical needs then, does that just happen?
00:20:09.059 –> 00:20:12.539
Like we have a need for nutrition in order to
00:20:12.539 –> 00:20:14.640
stay alive, but that’s really just because we
00:20:14.640 –> 00:20:17.539
want to be alive. If you decide that you don’t
00:20:17.539 –> 00:20:20.339
want to be alive anymore, then there is intervention
00:20:20.339 –> 00:20:24.839
to say, no, no, you need this. And so intravenously,
00:20:24.900 –> 00:20:27.000
we’re going to make sure that you have sufficient
00:20:27.000 –> 00:20:31.089
for the need of staying alive. So you get intravenous
00:20:31.089 –> 00:20:33.329
feeding at the hospital or at the psych ward.
00:20:33.609 –> 00:20:35.890
They say you’re not going to be allowed to go
00:20:35.890 –> 00:20:38.589
on a hunger fast to death. You can do it for
00:20:38.589 –> 00:20:41.650
30 days, Gandhi, but you can’t do it more than
00:20:41.650 –> 00:20:44.170
that. Right. Other people step in because you’re
00:20:44.170 –> 00:20:46.829
crazy if you don’t want to be alive. And that’s
00:20:46.829 –> 00:20:49.650
based on the society, right? Those are the social
00:20:49.650 –> 00:20:52.789
laws, the rules of society that you’re in, what
00:20:52.789 –> 00:20:56.970
area you’re at. I would argue then that needs
00:20:56.970 –> 00:21:00.619
are subjective. I mean, they’re just as subjective
00:21:00.619 –> 00:21:04.599
as wants. Like, it all comes down to, they’re
00:21:04.599 –> 00:21:08.059
subjective because wants are subjective. One
00:21:08.059 –> 00:21:11.160
person doesn’t need all of the same things that
00:21:11.160 –> 00:21:13.680
another person needs because their wants are
00:21:13.680 –> 00:21:17.259
different. Yeah. So if it’s all subjective, kind
00:21:17.259 –> 00:21:19.420
of like we were talking about truth. Is there
00:21:19.420 –> 00:21:21.420
any objective? Is there any objective need? We’re
00:21:21.420 –> 00:21:23.099
trying to identify if there’s an objective need.
00:21:23.400 –> 00:21:26.299
You can choose to want it or not. And that’s
00:21:26.299 –> 00:21:30.299
maybe faith. is the idea. It’s something that
00:21:30.299 –> 00:21:32.680
you don’t know. You need something. If you’re
00:21:32.680 –> 00:21:34.740
unconscious of it, it means you don’t know. You’re
00:21:34.740 –> 00:21:37.579
agnostic. Don’t have a full knowledge of it.
00:21:37.640 –> 00:21:41.259
So I believe that I need food. That’s what everyone
00:21:41.259 –> 00:21:44.180
says. We need nutrition for the body to work.
00:21:44.339 –> 00:21:47.180
I can’t prove it. And I don’t necessarily want
00:21:47.180 –> 00:21:48.819
to prove it because I always feel better when
00:21:48.819 –> 00:21:51.500
I eat. So I’m going to continue to eat, but it’s
00:21:51.500 –> 00:21:55.880
just a faith. It’s an unconscious faith that
00:21:55.880 –> 00:21:59.809
that is a fact. Yeah. You don’t think about it,
00:21:59.829 –> 00:22:03.630
so it’s unconscious. Right. And breathing is
00:22:03.630 –> 00:22:06.309
the most unconscious. Well, not breathing. Probably
00:22:06.309 –> 00:22:07.809
the most unconscious thing is the beating of
00:22:07.809 –> 00:22:10.789
our heart and moving the blood flow through your
00:22:10.789 –> 00:22:14.410
body. We can’t even consciously do that. I guess
00:22:14.410 –> 00:22:16.190
there’s some people who can consciously slow
00:22:16.190 –> 00:22:18.769
their heartbeat, but that takes a lot of work
00:22:18.769 –> 00:22:22.650
to get that done as I understand it. Right. There’s…
00:22:22.880 –> 00:22:25.279
And you’re not thinking to your heart, okay,
00:22:25.319 –> 00:22:27.440
slow down. You’re doing a lot of other things,
00:22:27.559 –> 00:22:30.940
which results in a slower heartbeat. Could be.
00:22:31.019 –> 00:22:33.539
Yeah. Most likely. That’s what I think. Because
00:22:33.539 –> 00:22:36.900
that’s an automatic muscle, automatic process
00:22:36.900 –> 00:22:40.319
that is happening that’s necessary. It’s a need
00:22:40.319 –> 00:22:43.700
that we have no control over whatsoever. Yeah.
00:22:43.740 –> 00:22:46.099
The beating of our heart. We do have full control
00:22:46.099 –> 00:22:49.980
over our wants. And if it’s subjective. So here’s
00:22:49.980 –> 00:22:53.420
the quandary in wants. If they are subjective,
00:22:53.740 –> 00:22:56.660
which we somewhat believe that everything is,
00:22:56.839 –> 00:23:01.119
how do you get along with anyone else? There’s
00:23:01.119 –> 00:23:03.579
another want there. If you want to get along
00:23:03.579 –> 00:23:08.160
with anyone else, then you subjectively and consciously
00:23:08.160 –> 00:23:13.500
adjust. Adjust your wants to something that’s
00:23:13.500 –> 00:23:16.339
more appropriate, like living in a city. There’s
00:23:16.339 –> 00:23:18.619
a number of people in this city that want these
00:23:18.619 –> 00:23:22.680
laws. If you want… Something bad enough, you’d
00:23:22.680 –> 00:23:26.420
be willing to alter whether you wanted something
00:23:26.420 –> 00:23:30.380
else anymore. And that’s the prioritization based
00:23:30.380 –> 00:23:33.720
on your values. I think values are harder to
00:23:33.720 –> 00:23:35.900
change than priorities. So you identify your
00:23:35.900 –> 00:23:38.880
priorities. Say, you know, I really want this
00:23:38.880 –> 00:23:42.500
relationship more than I want that cat. So because
00:23:42.500 –> 00:23:46.140
I want this relationship, it’s okay. I’ll lower
00:23:46.140 –> 00:23:48.839
priority the cat, higher priority the relationship.
00:23:50.620 –> 00:23:52.740
Consequently, I get three cats in the house.
00:23:53.940 –> 00:23:57.220
Something along that line. Or I have no cats
00:23:57.220 –> 00:24:00.119
because that person’s cat priority is higher
00:24:00.119 –> 00:24:02.759
than mine. So you have to really, that relationship,
00:24:03.000 –> 00:24:07.099
communication between someone else is how high
00:24:07.099 –> 00:24:09.819
do you value this thing that we want? Both of
00:24:09.819 –> 00:24:12.640
us want it to different degrees on a spectrum
00:24:12.640 –> 00:24:16.819
of wants. And whose degree is higher for a positive
00:24:16.819 –> 00:24:19.519
action to it or a negative action to it? How
00:24:19.519 –> 00:24:24.319
do you decide that? Right. And you can’t just
00:24:24.319 –> 00:24:29.000
take in a desire for whatever it is. That’s not
00:24:29.000 –> 00:24:31.460
the only metric to consider because there’s also
00:24:31.460 –> 00:24:35.259
a desire for definitely not whatever it is. If
00:24:35.259 –> 00:24:42.119
I hate cats, then that kind of is heavier than
00:24:42.119 –> 00:24:45.640
if I just don’t want cats. Yeah. Well, the heaviest
00:24:45.640 –> 00:24:47.519
would be if you’re allergic to it and it’s not.
00:24:47.880 –> 00:24:50.539
a possibility for you. Well, that’s the, yeah,
00:24:50.619 –> 00:24:52.099
that’s the heaviest. There are those things that
00:24:52.099 –> 00:24:55.960
are completely, but if you, if you hate it, like
00:24:55.960 –> 00:25:01.259
zesty foods, just hate zesty foods, can’t handle
00:25:01.259 –> 00:25:04.180
it. I might die if I had it. Maybe not literally,
00:25:04.339 –> 00:25:06.720
but actually it’s not going to be pleasurable
00:25:06.720 –> 00:25:08.980
at all. And I’m, it’s going to upset my whole
00:25:08.980 –> 00:25:13.660
day. I think people have actually gone into like
00:25:13.660 –> 00:25:17.950
cardiac arrest as a result of the spicy. Like
00:25:17.950 –> 00:25:20.930
the ghost pepper challenge and stuff like there
00:25:20.930 –> 00:25:25.289
it is. It can be. Oh, yeah, that’s right. Harmful.
00:25:25.450 –> 00:25:29.690
So but yeah, so it can it can kill you. Spicy
00:25:29.690 –> 00:25:32.410
food will kill you provided it’s spicy enough.
00:25:33.450 –> 00:25:35.589
So depending on where you are on the spectrum,
00:25:35.650 –> 00:25:38.549
if it’s a necessary never touch it, then the
00:25:38.549 –> 00:25:41.309
person who says I could have it or not automatically
00:25:41.309 –> 00:25:46.440
based on the relationship. It’s easier to make
00:25:46.440 –> 00:25:50.799
the choice to forego what you desire as a want
00:25:50.799 –> 00:25:53.859
to someone else because their value is higher.
00:25:54.240 –> 00:25:57.039
They’ve got a higher value on it. We’re kind
00:25:57.039 –> 00:26:00.819
of talking about the win -win thing from the
00:26:00.819 –> 00:26:03.980
seven habits. And you have to be on the win -win
00:26:03.980 –> 00:26:05.759
spectrum in order to even have that discussion.
00:26:06.079 –> 00:26:08.240
Yeah, rather than saying, well, I’m going to
00:26:08.240 –> 00:26:11.079
have this whether you want it or not, whether
00:26:11.079 –> 00:26:13.700
you hate it or not. Yeah. That’s a win -lose.
00:26:13.720 –> 00:26:17.019
That’s a win -lose. Or because you hate it so
00:26:17.019 –> 00:26:19.940
much, I’m going to do it. Right. I’m going to
00:26:19.940 –> 00:26:23.420
make you lose. What we learn from that, that
00:26:23.420 –> 00:26:26.460
always loses for both of you. Both of you lose
00:26:26.460 –> 00:26:29.119
if you try to make someone else lose. A lose
00:26:29.119 –> 00:26:31.519
-win or a win -lose, if you try to win and let
00:26:31.519 –> 00:26:33.640
someone else lose, you can’t let someone else
00:26:33.640 –> 00:26:36.880
lose. You have to both. And it’s not a compromise.
00:26:37.240 –> 00:26:40.240
It’s not splitting the difference. It is both
00:26:40.240 –> 00:26:43.359
of you. receive enough of a win to call it a
00:26:43.359 –> 00:26:46.579
win a full win right and that’s you both have
00:26:46.579 –> 00:26:50.599
to be in the win -win mindset because if if one
00:26:50.599 –> 00:26:54.400
person’s like well i’m i consider it a win if
00:26:54.400 –> 00:26:57.880
this option is the only option that i get like
00:26:57.880 –> 00:27:03.319
i must have what must you have i must have chocolate
00:27:03.319 –> 00:27:07.059
in my house all the time and It’s only a win
00:27:07.059 –> 00:27:09.539
for me if I have chocolate in the house, regardless
00:27:09.539 –> 00:27:13.460
of whether you think that… Chocolate in the
00:27:13.460 –> 00:27:16.519
house. Yeah, call it a candy drawer. Okay, a
00:27:16.519 –> 00:27:19.740
candy drawer. I’ve got to have candy bars of
00:27:19.740 –> 00:27:22.079
chocolate, and it’s got to be a drawer full,
00:27:22.279 –> 00:27:24.740
and I have to have a variety. It’s going to be
00:27:24.740 –> 00:27:27.319
like a store shelf in my house if I’m going to
00:27:27.319 –> 00:27:31.680
be happy. And it doesn’t matter if you like it
00:27:31.680 –> 00:27:35.289
or not. Any solution, any resolution that we
00:27:35.289 –> 00:27:38.349
come as to this issue of the candy drawer is
00:27:38.349 –> 00:27:40.869
going to have to result in me having a candy
00:27:40.869 –> 00:27:44.609
drawer. That’s a lose. What is that, a win -lose?
00:27:45.170 –> 00:27:48.609
A win -lose? Yeah. But is that a need? Okay,
00:27:48.750 –> 00:27:51.809
and that does go to this, what I wanted to talk
00:27:51.809 –> 00:27:54.549
about, needs. Needs have to be justified. So
00:27:54.549 –> 00:27:58.029
the win -lose, if you can call it a need, or
00:27:58.029 –> 00:28:00.910
if you do call it a need, there’s a justification
00:28:00.910 –> 00:28:03.740
for it. In order to live, your heart needs to
00:28:03.740 –> 00:28:07.460
beat. So the blood flow of your body is necessary.
00:28:07.700 –> 00:28:10.220
It’s a need. So justification of that is, do
00:28:10.220 –> 00:28:12.799
you want to live? To live, you need your heart
00:28:12.799 –> 00:28:15.740
to beat. To live, you need oxygen to flow into
00:28:15.740 –> 00:28:18.420
your blood so that it can do that. So you need
00:28:18.420 –> 00:28:20.819
to breathe. That’s a necessity. In order for
00:28:20.819 –> 00:28:24.000
me to be happy breathing and living, I need to
00:28:24.000 –> 00:28:27.720
have candy. I need to have a candy drawer. I
00:28:27.720 –> 00:28:29.980
need to have chocolate. And it needs to be a
00:28:29.980 –> 00:28:35.140
variety. I need a variety. If you say need, then
00:28:35.140 –> 00:28:37.779
it requires a justification. And that’s where
00:28:37.779 –> 00:28:40.000
the wants come in. Is it a need or a want? What
00:28:40.000 –> 00:28:43.200
is the want behind this need? Yeah. Well, and
00:28:43.200 –> 00:28:45.220
maybe some psychologists would say, what is the
00:28:45.220 –> 00:28:48.440
need behind this want? You want a candy drawer
00:28:48.440 –> 00:28:50.960
so badly. What is the need that you’re exhibiting?
00:28:51.359 –> 00:28:54.180
What happened in your childhood to where you
00:28:54.180 –> 00:28:58.960
need something and the candy drawer is the cure?
00:28:59.140 –> 00:29:02.349
Represents that. Maybe we have it backwards.
00:29:02.450 –> 00:29:05.809
Maybe wants are needs and needs are wants. No,
00:29:05.950 –> 00:29:08.509
what does that mean? What does that mean? Well,
00:29:08.529 –> 00:29:11.789
I’m just saying, like, I’m imagining a psychologist
00:29:11.789 –> 00:29:15.390
saying, what does this want of a candy drawer
00:29:15.390 –> 00:29:18.529
represent? What need does it represent? You need
00:29:18.529 –> 00:29:24.470
a constant supply of… Chocolate. Yeah, of comfort
00:29:24.470 –> 00:29:27.410
foods, maybe. Maybe the chocolate is your comfort
00:29:27.410 –> 00:29:30.380
food. So you need that. That’s the need behind
00:29:30.380 –> 00:29:33.240
the candy drawer. And where did that come from?
00:29:33.519 –> 00:29:37.599
Why is that a need of yours? I don’t know. I’m
00:29:37.599 –> 00:29:39.079
not a psychologist. Is there anything that we
00:29:39.079 –> 00:29:42.319
need? It’s interesting to talk about that, the
00:29:42.319 –> 00:29:44.539
candy drawer, but I don’t know that either of
00:29:44.539 –> 00:29:46.299
us necessarily need a candy drawer. Is there
00:29:46.299 –> 00:29:49.460
something that you or I need that we can put
00:29:49.460 –> 00:29:51.400
in that same discussion? Because it’d be easier
00:29:51.400 –> 00:29:55.980
if we actually had that idea. Right. Okay. So
00:29:55.980 –> 00:30:00.380
how about I need… To drink eight glasses of
00:30:00.380 –> 00:30:03.539
water every day. Eight glasses of water. Yeah,
00:30:03.579 –> 00:30:06.920
but really that’s a want because the underlying
00:30:06.920 –> 00:30:12.700
need is hydration, is my body’s, the underlying
00:30:12.700 –> 00:30:17.519
need is my body’s need for hydration. And I can
00:30:17.519 –> 00:30:21.759
get that by eating just a whole bunch of watermelon.
00:30:21.900 –> 00:30:24.920
I don’t need to be drinking the water. I could
00:30:24.920 –> 00:30:27.839
have watermelon instead. Could have watermelon.
00:30:28.319 –> 00:30:33.720
Oranges. Yeah. So the want is water, but the
00:30:33.720 –> 00:30:37.579
need is hydration, right? You want water or you
00:30:37.579 –> 00:30:40.400
want cranberry juice or you want orange juice
00:30:40.400 –> 00:30:42.740
or you want milk. Yeah. And maybe this is just
00:30:42.740 –> 00:30:46.539
something being too specific about what I think
00:30:46.539 –> 00:30:49.599
that I need. And there’s a different way, different
00:30:49.599 –> 00:30:51.140
ways to figure out the water. I mean, you’re
00:30:51.140 –> 00:30:53.500
supposed to drink the ounces of water that you
00:30:53.500 –> 00:30:57.039
weigh in pounds every day. Yeah, I think it’s.
00:30:57.279 –> 00:31:01.160
One ounce per two pounds or one ounce per kilogram.
00:31:01.759 –> 00:31:05.640
Half of the ounces of water that you weigh. Yeah.
00:31:06.039 –> 00:31:09.160
From 190, it’d be 80 ounces of water a day. So
00:31:09.160 –> 00:31:12.539
that’d be four 20 -ounce glasses every day. You
00:31:12.539 –> 00:31:15.140
could do that. And if you’re eating eight 20
00:31:15.140 –> 00:31:18.380
-ounce glasses, that means you’re 260 pounds.
00:31:19.940 –> 00:31:22.420
So it depends on the size of the glass, too.
00:31:22.519 –> 00:31:26.500
I think eight glasses of water, they’re generally…
00:31:27.240 –> 00:31:29.539
They might not be 20 ounces. These are eight
00:31:29.539 –> 00:31:34.960
ounce cups. Okay. All right. So 80 is appropriate
00:31:34.960 –> 00:31:38.140
for a 200 pound person or 160. So there’s an
00:31:38.140 –> 00:31:40.240
appropriate amount of water. So you need, and
00:31:40.240 –> 00:31:42.759
that’s the justification. So that is probably
00:31:42.759 –> 00:31:45.460
a good example. The justification is we know
00:31:45.460 –> 00:31:48.839
scientifically or we subjectively know scientifically
00:31:48.839 –> 00:31:52.539
that you need that much water in a day. You can
00:31:52.539 –> 00:31:55.160
objectively feel better. Because you drink more
00:31:55.160 –> 00:31:56.839
water. You can feel better when you drink more
00:31:56.839 –> 00:31:59.200
water. So you can test that out and say, maybe
00:31:59.200 –> 00:32:01.420
I’ll drink less. See if I feel better if I drink
00:32:01.420 –> 00:32:03.859
less or feel better if you drink more. And obviously,
00:32:04.079 –> 00:32:06.680
you can obviously identify that in your own life
00:32:06.680 –> 00:32:09.599
that if you drink more water or get more fluids,
00:32:09.839 –> 00:32:13.119
you’re going to be better off in life. Healthier.
00:32:13.480 –> 00:32:18.519
Yes. But lots of people don’t drink what they
00:32:18.519 –> 00:32:22.980
need. Need in quotes. And so really, that need
00:32:22.980 –> 00:32:26.250
is a want. And what they really need is one cup
00:32:26.250 –> 00:32:30.230
of water a day to stay alive. Like the need is
00:32:30.230 –> 00:32:32.970
to be hydrated so you stay alive. And our bodies
00:32:32.970 –> 00:32:36.950
can actually survive on much less than what the
00:32:36.950 –> 00:32:39.250
recommended amount is. You’re just going to be
00:32:39.250 –> 00:32:42.390
kind of feeling crummy because of it. But the
00:32:42.390 –> 00:32:47.470
actual need is more like a cup, maybe. I don’t
00:32:47.470 –> 00:32:51.740
know. I’m not a doctor. But even the doctors
00:32:51.740 –> 00:32:55.160
don’t know. I’m not God, so I can’t say exactly
00:32:55.160 –> 00:32:58.700
how much my body really, really needs in order
00:32:58.700 –> 00:33:01.420
to stay alive. But I know that it’s much less
00:33:01.420 –> 00:33:04.700
than eight cups a day because I frequently go
00:33:04.700 –> 00:33:09.240
for long periods of time without eight cups a
00:33:09.240 –> 00:33:13.039
day. I have maybe one intentional cup of water
00:33:13.039 –> 00:33:16.000
a day, and then everything else comes from whatever
00:33:16.000 –> 00:33:19.279
food I eat. Yeah, there’s a justification for
00:33:19.279 –> 00:33:22.599
it. Still, you’re justifying that maybe you only
00:33:22.599 –> 00:33:25.559
need one. Yeah, and maybe everything adds up
00:33:25.559 –> 00:33:29.400
to eight, which would be surprising because my
00:33:29.400 –> 00:33:33.299
nutrition is just really bad anyway. The psychologist
00:33:33.299 –> 00:33:36.500
that’s talking about this is what need is that
00:33:36.500 –> 00:33:39.980
representing? Does that want represent? So would
00:33:39.980 –> 00:33:41.859
there always be an underlying need to whatever
00:33:41.859 –> 00:33:44.490
we want? That’s, I think, what you pointed to
00:33:44.490 –> 00:33:47.609
are your wants needs. Your want actually identifies
00:33:47.609 –> 00:33:50.910
a need that you subconsciously are holding. And
00:33:50.910 –> 00:33:54.230
it’s a need. And that subconscious holding of
00:33:54.230 –> 00:33:58.630
whatever it is creates your wants. Yeah. So I
00:33:58.630 –> 00:34:01.990
want my husband to speak to me in my love language
00:34:01.990 –> 00:34:07.720
because I need love. Maybe? No? Do we need love?
00:34:07.839 –> 00:34:10.039
Love. Like that’s an underlying need. Everybody
00:34:10.039 –> 00:34:13.519
needs to be loved. They need that feeling of
00:34:13.519 –> 00:34:17.599
being loved. Okay. And we’ve got a reference
00:34:17.599 –> 00:34:21.920
back to what love is. When we started this a
00:34:21.920 –> 00:34:24.820
year ago almost, we discussed unconditional love
00:34:24.820 –> 00:34:28.800
and identified what that is. What you want is
00:34:28.800 –> 00:34:31.719
based on what you actually need. And you say
00:34:31.719 –> 00:34:34.860
you need it. And love, you can’t give love to
00:34:34.860 –> 00:34:36.820
someone else. You have to only receive it. So
00:34:36.820 –> 00:34:39.079
it’s what you want to receive. You need someone
00:34:39.079 –> 00:34:42.380
to speak so that you feel loved in a certain
00:34:42.380 –> 00:34:45.440
direction, order. That that love is subjective.
00:34:45.539 –> 00:34:48.179
It’s your choice as to whether you feel love
00:34:48.179 –> 00:34:53.780
or not. Yeah. Well, that maybe isn’t what we’re
00:34:53.780 –> 00:34:56.239
talking about, though. And that’s also the win
00:34:56.239 –> 00:34:59.480
-win idea. I mean, the person, your relationship
00:34:59.480 –> 00:35:03.500
partner has to also want you to feel loved. And
00:35:03.500 –> 00:35:05.780
so you feel love, so you’ve got to receive it.
00:35:06.090 –> 00:35:09.070
Yeah, but does that change whether you need to
00:35:09.070 –> 00:35:11.809
feel loved or not? Whether you want it or not,
00:35:11.869 –> 00:35:13.449
does that change whether you need it or not?
00:35:13.849 –> 00:35:17.510
Like plants. Plants need to be talked to in order
00:35:17.510 –> 00:35:20.630
to be healthy. No, they don’t. They need it.
00:35:20.929 –> 00:35:24.670
Plants in the forest grow without being talked
00:35:24.670 –> 00:35:29.530
to. They do need sunlight in order to grow. Well,
00:35:29.610 –> 00:35:31.570
some of them do. Some of them, I suppose, get
00:35:31.570 –> 00:35:34.949
by without it. And I think that is better. If
00:35:34.949 –> 00:35:36.769
you talk to your plants, they grow better. But
00:35:36.769 –> 00:35:38.989
the plants you don’t talk to grow. They grow
00:35:38.989 –> 00:35:42.030
anyway. They grow with their one ounce, one glass
00:35:42.030 –> 00:35:44.170
of water a day. But if you’ve talked to them,
00:35:44.230 –> 00:35:46.030
they’ll get eight glasses of water a day and
00:35:46.030 –> 00:35:48.750
they grow bigger and happier. Perhaps that’s
00:35:48.750 –> 00:35:53.329
the same continuum, same difference. A forest
00:35:53.329 –> 00:35:58.050
that is managed and talked to grows better than
00:35:58.050 –> 00:36:01.170
a forest that is left fallow and just do what
00:36:01.170 –> 00:36:04.289
it does. You can manage a forest and it’s a beautiful
00:36:04.289 –> 00:36:07.670
place and the trees all thrive. And the ones
00:36:07.670 –> 00:36:10.030
that you choose to live, you know, you pare back
00:36:10.030 –> 00:36:13.150
the things that aren’t right. And it allows the
00:36:13.150 –> 00:36:16.849
things that should be there to grow better. If
00:36:16.849 –> 00:36:19.210
you don’t manage the forest at all, it just becomes
00:36:19.210 –> 00:36:22.590
a tangled mess. And then the wildfires come and
00:36:22.590 –> 00:36:24.610
burn it all down and they manage themselves.
00:36:25.809 –> 00:36:31.150
So what question could be solved by… knowing
00:36:31.150 –> 00:36:34.469
the difference between needs and wants. Here’s
00:36:34.469 –> 00:36:39.050
one, maybe, if you can’t come up with one. What
00:36:39.050 –> 00:36:42.630
if somebody says that you should need something
00:36:42.630 –> 00:36:45.630
and you’re just not needing it, or you should
00:36:45.630 –> 00:36:47.389
want something and you’re just not wanting it?
00:36:47.650 –> 00:36:52.090
Is this a should versus ought problem? The is
00:36:52.090 –> 00:36:56.289
ought problem? What is? Loving what is? Not is
00:36:56.289 –> 00:36:59.289
ought, really. Well, is ought is the problem.
00:36:59.389 –> 00:37:01.570
Should ought. You ought to do it. You should
00:37:01.570 –> 00:37:05.530
do it. And is, what are you doing? What is? So
00:37:05.530 –> 00:37:08.630
that’s the is -ought problem. Is it? Okay. Yeah.
00:37:08.769 –> 00:37:11.829
And that is loving what is. Loving everything.
00:37:12.389 –> 00:37:15.750
But really, really, like, what if one person
00:37:15.750 –> 00:37:22.389
is like, you all need to want, you all need to
00:37:22.389 –> 00:37:27.250
accept that fetuses are alive and you may not
00:37:27.250 –> 00:37:30.400
ever abort them. They are. They are alive and
00:37:30.400 –> 00:37:34.840
they need to come be born. Whether they die right
00:37:34.840 –> 00:37:37.519
after they’re born or not, that you need to give
00:37:37.519 –> 00:37:41.300
them that chance. It needs to be not you that
00:37:41.300 –> 00:37:44.159
kills them. And we believe that enough that we
00:37:44.159 –> 00:37:46.639
need to make a law. There needs to be a law.
00:37:46.980 –> 00:37:49.699
And everybody needs to agree with that. Everyone
00:37:49.699 –> 00:37:52.340
needs to agree with that. Everyone needs to comply.
00:37:52.519 –> 00:37:54.320
Whether they agree or not, whether they have
00:37:54.320 –> 00:37:57.019
faith or confidence in it, they still need to
00:37:57.019 –> 00:38:01.360
comply to it. So agreement and compliance are
00:38:01.360 –> 00:38:04.639
different. The protesters outside of the Planned
00:38:04.639 –> 00:38:07.820
Parenthood and all of that, aren’t they out there
00:38:07.820 –> 00:38:10.539
trying to convince the other people that they’re
00:38:10.539 –> 00:38:14.059
wrong and they actually need to want to save
00:38:14.059 –> 00:38:16.659
the babies rather than kill the babies? I mean,
00:38:16.719 –> 00:38:21.300
we had recently talked about protests, but ideally
00:38:21.300 –> 00:38:26.039
what a protest would do would change minds. Yeah?
00:38:26.739 –> 00:38:29.920
Persuasion? They’re using protest as a mode of
00:38:29.920 –> 00:38:33.340
persuasion and motivation to change someone’s
00:38:33.340 –> 00:38:36.719
direction. Yeah. I mean, if you see a sign. And
00:38:36.719 –> 00:38:41.820
who wants something in that case? Try to identify
00:38:41.820 –> 00:38:44.840
the need or the want. The need is that the baby
00:38:44.840 –> 00:38:50.119
needs to live or the baby needs to, the fetus.
00:38:50.219 –> 00:38:52.960
Yeah, the one side says that that fetus has needs.
00:38:53.639 –> 00:38:57.699
And we need to, we’re required to allow that
00:38:57.699 –> 00:39:02.219
fetus to be born. Barring, you know, crazy circumstances
00:39:02.219 –> 00:39:05.420
that it can’t be born or there’s other complications.
00:39:05.599 –> 00:39:08.579
There are always complications that allow something
00:39:08.579 –> 00:39:11.420
to not be, require something to not be done.
00:39:11.559 –> 00:39:14.460
A higher value, a higher priority, or a more
00:39:14.460 –> 00:39:18.239
obvious priority. Yeah. The question that I’m
00:39:18.239 –> 00:39:21.179
trying to ask, though, is what if someone else
00:39:21.179 –> 00:39:24.010
thinks that Your wants and your needs aren’t
00:39:24.010 –> 00:39:26.489
in the right place. They’re wrong. You have the
00:39:26.489 –> 00:39:28.789
wrong wants and needs. Which means you have the
00:39:28.789 –> 00:39:33.510
wrong value system. That’s where that’s the only
00:39:33.510 –> 00:39:36.210
place it can go. If you have the wrong wants
00:39:36.210 –> 00:39:38.869
and needs, it’s because you’re valuing something
00:39:38.869 –> 00:39:42.369
incorrectly. And now my persuasion is to help
00:39:42.369 –> 00:39:44.889
you see the value from this different perspective.
00:39:45.309 –> 00:39:47.449
So you’ve got to step away from what you’re thinking
00:39:47.449 –> 00:39:50.329
because what you’re thinking is wrong. That value
00:39:50.329 –> 00:39:53.429
is incorrect. This value is more valid. And so
00:39:53.429 –> 00:39:57.190
let me help persuade you by protesting, by writing
00:39:57.190 –> 00:40:00.389
this sign that says whatever it says to help
00:40:00.389 –> 00:40:02.869
convince someone on the street that sees it,
00:40:02.889 –> 00:40:06.409
that there’s a higher value here. Motivation.
00:40:06.590 –> 00:40:08.250
Let’s talk about that because you’re trying to
00:40:08.250 –> 00:40:10.409
motivate someone to do something. I think it
00:40:10.409 –> 00:40:12.789
was in the Seven Habits book about motivation.
00:40:13.289 –> 00:40:16.650
I just looked at that the other day. I just have
00:40:16.650 –> 00:40:19.869
to say it. I can’t, I can’t find it. Well, it
00:40:19.869 –> 00:40:22.789
does have an index in the back, doesn’t it? It
00:40:22.789 –> 00:40:26.610
does. And it has what I wrote in the front, even.
00:40:26.889 –> 00:40:30.110
I can’t remember exactly. The paraphrase of it
00:40:30.110 –> 00:40:35.150
is, satisfied needs do not motivate. Okay. Yes.
00:40:35.369 –> 00:40:38.730
That’s like somebody needs to want something
00:40:38.730 –> 00:40:42.909
badly enough to work to get it. To work, to be
00:40:42.909 –> 00:40:45.309
motivated, do something to gain it. It needs
00:40:45.309 –> 00:40:47.550
to hurt. Once you have it, then you’re no longer
00:40:47.550 –> 00:40:50.949
motivated. And how did that come out? It’s got
00:40:50.949 –> 00:40:53.309
to be in the win -win chapter here. It has to
00:40:53.309 –> 00:40:56.389
just be motivation. Yeah, there it is. It’s satisfied
00:40:56.389 –> 00:41:00.110
needs to not motivate. He said next to physical
00:41:00.110 –> 00:41:03.269
survival. So physical survival is a need, he’s
00:41:03.269 –> 00:41:06.110
pointing out. Next to physical survival, the
00:41:06.110 –> 00:41:09.110
greatest need of a human being is psychological
00:41:09.110 –> 00:41:13.829
survival. He talks about giving them psychological
00:41:13.829 –> 00:41:17.550
air. They need to be understood. to be affirmed,
00:41:17.550 –> 00:41:20.869
to be validated, to be appreciated. Those are
00:41:20.869 –> 00:41:22.909
needs. And that gives you that psychological
00:41:22.909 –> 00:41:25.449
air are those things. Needs are to be understood,
00:41:25.570 –> 00:41:28.250
affirmed, validated, and appreciated. That gives
00:41:28.250 –> 00:41:30.829
a person a psychological air. And then when
00:41:30.829 –> 00:41:33.949
that vital need is met, both the survival and
00:41:33.949 –> 00:41:37.570
the psychological, then you can focus on influencing
00:41:37.570 –> 00:41:40.650
or problem solving. So that’s how he was describing
00:41:40.650 –> 00:41:46.610
that. That’s how you get to the win -win. Those are the needs behind the wants to be
00:41:46.610 –> 00:41:49.090
able to influence them. If you want to influence
00:41:49.090 –> 00:41:51.869
them, they need those things. They don’t necessarily
00:41:51.869 –> 00:41:54.170
need those things if you don’t want to influence
00:41:54.170 –> 00:41:57.610
them, right? In order to be motivated, well,
00:41:58.289 –> 00:41:59.750
if you’re talking about influence as motivation,
00:42:00.130 –> 00:42:03.610
you want to motivate something, you’re to influence
00:42:03.610 –> 00:42:06.650
or persuade. You’re trying to motivate, trying
00:42:06.650 –> 00:42:08.929
to get someone on your side or get a win -win
00:42:08.929 –> 00:42:10.849
out of it. You want them to win, you want to
00:42:10.849 –> 00:42:14.230
win, and it requires that other person. So in
00:42:14.230 –> 00:42:16.869
order to do that, you do have to give that psychological
00:42:16.869 –> 00:42:20.449
air. You have to understand, affirm, validate,
00:42:20.630 –> 00:42:26.170
and what were they? Understand, affirm, validate,
00:42:26.489 –> 00:42:29.030
and appreciate. You have to actually appreciate.
00:42:29.690 –> 00:42:32.789
Align yourself with what they’re doing. So to
00:42:32.789 –> 00:42:36.769
understand something. Yeah, those are situation
00:42:36.769 –> 00:42:41.170
-specific needs. They’re not like all -the -time
00:42:41.170 –> 00:42:44.099
needs. Subjective? You’re saying situation specific?
00:42:44.780 –> 00:42:49.260
Yeah. If I didn’t want to motivate or influence
00:42:49.260 –> 00:42:52.820
somebody, then they don’t need those things from
00:42:52.820 –> 00:42:55.219
me. I don’t need to give them psychological air.
00:42:55.219 –> 00:42:56.719
They don’t need it from you, but they do need
00:42:56.719 –> 00:42:59.599
it from someone. Everyone needs it from someone.
00:42:59.599 –> 00:43:02.639
We can’t do anything without being motivated
00:43:02.639 –> 00:43:05.519
to do it. That’s what a want is. Isn’t a want
00:43:05.519 –> 00:43:09.519
a motivation? Yeah. If you’re not motivated to
00:43:09.519 –> 00:43:12.079
do something, you don’t want anything. I’m just
00:43:12.079 –> 00:43:15.199
going to sit here on this chair. I have no motivation.
00:43:15.219 –> 00:43:18.780
I have no wants. I want for nothing. I’m completely
00:43:18.780 –> 00:43:23.340
content where I am. I said earlier that needs
00:43:23.340 –> 00:43:26.760
are completely subjective, but this is an example
00:43:26.760 –> 00:43:30.039
of a need that is not subjective. It’s an objective
00:43:30.039 –> 00:43:33.699
need. No, you said wants are subjective. I said
00:43:33.699 –> 00:43:36.940
needs and wants. Okay, and I believe that…
00:43:37.210 –> 00:43:39.909
Because needs come from wants that if I want
00:43:39.909 –> 00:43:43.170
to stay alive, then I need to eat food. Then
00:43:43.170 –> 00:43:45.489
the needs are there. So you want to stay alive.
00:43:45.590 –> 00:43:48.670
If you want to pass away, then you need to get
00:43:48.670 –> 00:43:50.989
away from people because they won’t let you pass
00:43:50.989 –> 00:43:54.789
away. Right. Yeah. Your needs come from what
00:43:54.789 –> 00:43:58.809
your wants are. If you want to pass on, you can
00:43:58.809 –> 00:44:02.409
only do that if you’re alone, because to get
00:44:02.409 –> 00:44:04.829
to receive help would be illegal. That would
00:44:04.829 –> 00:44:07.269
be something that. The general society says,
00:44:07.389 –> 00:44:11.090
no, you can’t help someone in that venture to
00:44:11.090 –> 00:44:13.889
pass on. If you help them, then you’re at fault.
00:44:14.010 –> 00:44:19.510
And your needs are subjective too then. I think
00:44:19.510 –> 00:44:22.309
survival, yeah, you’re saying even survival is
00:44:22.309 –> 00:44:25.329
a subjective need. You don’t have to want to
00:44:25.329 –> 00:44:28.150
survive. Because we want to survive, there’s
00:44:28.150 –> 00:44:30.829
these needs, there’s these necessities. So all
00:44:30.829 –> 00:44:33.250
of this is subjective. There is no objective.
00:44:33.750 –> 00:44:39.090
Is there an is then? Love what is. What is it
00:44:39.090 –> 00:44:42.789
that Byron Katie said? What’s her book? The is.
00:44:42.849 –> 00:44:46.809
The is is just how it is. It’s not how you want.
00:44:47.190 –> 00:44:49.610
It’s the objective. I haven’t read the book.
00:44:49.889 –> 00:44:53.650
The circumstance. But it’s the objective, observable,
00:44:53.730 –> 00:44:57.449
testable. Yeah, the circumstance. The circumstance
00:44:57.449 –> 00:45:00.929
exists. And you have to appreciate that it’s
00:45:00.929 –> 00:45:03.559
there. But you don’t have to be motivated by
00:45:03.559 –> 00:45:05.480
it. It’s not a need, the fact, the circumstance
00:45:05.480 –> 00:45:08.059
here. It’s not a need that you have that. You
00:45:08.059 –> 00:45:10.539
want it. You have a thought about the circumstance.
00:45:10.840 –> 00:45:13.539
So your thought is either I want it or I don’t
00:45:13.539 –> 00:45:16.900
want it. You go one way or the other with it.
00:45:17.280 –> 00:45:21.260
Right. Then are we agreeing that it’s all subjective
00:45:21.260 –> 00:45:25.539
then? Yes, I think we are. You don’t have, because
00:45:25.539 –> 00:45:28.760
the circumstance is inanimate. It’s just there,
00:45:28.900 –> 00:45:31.960
the relationship. is a circumstance, your relationship
00:45:31.960 –> 00:45:34.619
with someone else. Our conversation here is just
00:45:34.619 –> 00:45:37.139
a circumstance. You have wants and I have wants.
00:45:37.219 –> 00:45:40.820
And sometimes, yeah, we have to pay attention
00:45:40.820 –> 00:45:44.199
to what the other one’s saying in order to be
00:45:44.199 –> 00:45:47.559
effective. If that’s what we want, if being effective
00:45:47.559 –> 00:45:50.280
is what we want. And if we don’t want to be effective,
00:45:50.400 –> 00:45:53.320
let’s say one of us comes with a, well, we’re
00:45:53.320 –> 00:45:56.059
in this for a win -win. There’s not a win -lose
00:45:56.059 –> 00:45:58.420
mentality. I’m not trying to make sure that my
00:45:58.420 –> 00:46:02.300
things… Come out on top that I have the best.
00:46:03.159 –> 00:46:05.679
That’s what I’ve been accused of at times. That
00:46:05.679 –> 00:46:10.179
you just want to spout your crazy ideas. And,
00:46:10.219 –> 00:46:12.579
you know, we are talking about ideas, but your
00:46:12.579 –> 00:46:16.059
ideas are just as crazy as mine. Trying to identify
00:46:16.059 –> 00:46:18.699
that needs are subjective. That’s something neither
00:46:18.699 –> 00:46:21.280
of us came to this conversation thinking. Would
00:46:21.280 –> 00:46:25.059
you agree? Yeah. Because need, like the very
00:46:25.059 –> 00:46:30.760
word implies objective. You need food. Right.
00:46:30.980 –> 00:46:34.699
But only if you want to stay alive. And only
00:46:34.699 –> 00:46:36.780
if you want food at that time. You need food,
00:46:36.820 –> 00:46:40.699
but maybe only every once a day, perhaps, you
00:46:40.699 –> 00:46:43.099
know, in a normal sense. Yeah, there are certainly
00:46:43.099 –> 00:46:46.500
people living just fine on once a day meals.
00:46:46.599 –> 00:46:49.900
Yeah. And maybe it’s every third day that you
00:46:49.900 –> 00:46:52.360
could get by for a month. You know, if you go
00:46:52.360 –> 00:46:54.940
on an extended fast, you can do an extended fast,
00:46:55.099 –> 00:46:58.639
go seven or 14 days without food at all. just liquids.
00:46:59.420 –> 00:47:03.599
So those longer time things occur and people
00:47:03.599 –> 00:47:06.760
do them regularly. And so it’s not objective
00:47:06.760 –> 00:47:09.000
that everybody needs three square meals a day.
00:47:09.340 –> 00:47:12.340
Right. And it’s subjective as to what your goal
00:47:12.340 –> 00:47:14.780
is, what you want to accomplish, what you’re
00:47:14.780 –> 00:47:18.400
trying to reach maybe in another avenue. So the
00:47:18.400 –> 00:47:21.820
win -win idea, though, you have to be able to
00:47:21.820 –> 00:47:24.099
serve someone’s psychological error. That’s where
00:47:24.099 –> 00:47:27.059
his description, Covey’s description was. in
00:47:27.059 –> 00:47:29.159
relation to that is how you get to that win -win
00:47:29.159 –> 00:47:33.699
idea or concept. You have to allow people, you
00:47:33.699 –> 00:47:36.219
have to feed them enough, understand them well
00:47:36.219 –> 00:47:38.659
enough before you try to be understood on your
00:47:38.659 –> 00:47:40.920
side. It’s still your need to be understood,
00:47:41.039 –> 00:47:44.119
that psychological need. And one of you have
00:47:44.119 –> 00:47:47.539
to step out first and try to understand and then
00:47:47.539 –> 00:47:51.300
affirm, validate it and appreciate it. To influence
00:47:51.300 –> 00:47:53.280
and persuade, you have to be able to do that
00:47:53.280 –> 00:47:56.829
first. This has to do with being meek. As well,
00:47:56.949 –> 00:47:59.110
meekness. And I’m going to talk about this again.
00:47:59.150 –> 00:48:00.469
I’ve been thinking about that. That word comes
00:48:00.469 –> 00:48:05.409
up. Neat? Meek. M -E -A -T? No, M. Oh, meek.
00:48:05.429 –> 00:48:09.789
M -E -E -K? M -E -E -K. Okay. Meekness, as opposed
00:48:09.789 –> 00:48:11.929
to what’s the opposite of meekness? Grandiosity.
00:48:12.449 –> 00:48:14.909
Being the center of attention. Being meek and
00:48:14.909 –> 00:48:20.880
lowly. Or being grandiose and centered. So meekness,
00:48:20.980 –> 00:48:23.320
you’re going to pay attention to what other people
00:48:23.320 –> 00:48:26.099
need or understand. You’re going to pay attention
00:48:26.099 –> 00:48:28.500
to understanding them, pay attention to affirming
00:48:28.500 –> 00:48:31.800
them, to validate them, to appreciate them. Thank
00:48:31.800 –> 00:48:36.960
you kindly. That’s a word that my stepfather
00:48:36.960 –> 00:48:40.139
says. I happen to be visiting with my mother
00:48:40.139 –> 00:48:43.719
and her husband, which is not my father, but
00:48:43.719 –> 00:48:46.900
he says, thank you kindly. That’s an appreciative
00:48:46.900 –> 00:48:50.829
statement. It is. He says that quite often. He’s
00:48:50.829 –> 00:48:53.429
always said that, though. It sounds, yeah, it
00:48:53.429 –> 00:48:56.750
sounds like it’s his phrase. Yeah, it’s his phrase.
00:48:56.949 –> 00:49:00.150
He maybe meant it much more the first couple
00:49:00.150 –> 00:49:02.469
of times he said it, but now it’s just something
00:49:02.469 –> 00:49:05.190
he always says. It’s normal. I’m finding myself
00:49:05.190 –> 00:49:08.809
saying, thank you, sir, a lot when people give
00:49:08.809 –> 00:49:11.769
me stuff, or thank you, ma ‘am, you know? Okay,
00:49:11.829 –> 00:49:13.190
you’re using a formal. It doesn’t mean anything
00:49:13.190 –> 00:49:17.460
now, but I, yeah. Maybe the first couple of times
00:49:17.460 –> 00:49:19.440
I used it, it really meant something. Like I
00:49:19.440 –> 00:49:23.619
was actually trying to be respectful, but now
00:49:23.619 –> 00:49:26.679
it just comes out. Yeah, it’s a formal addition
00:49:26.679 –> 00:49:31.519
to it. And it becomes you. So it becomes a characteristic.
00:49:32.280 –> 00:49:34.380
You’re developing into that person. You become
00:49:34.380 –> 00:49:37.219
that. And that’s what we’re trying to accomplish
00:49:37.219 –> 00:49:40.239
here. We’re trying to see this, it’s not necessarily
00:49:40.239 –> 00:49:42.840
meekness, but it is. Meekness means that you’re
00:49:42.840 –> 00:49:44.420
paying more attention to someone else than you
00:49:44.420 –> 00:49:48.920
are to you. happy to kindly thank them or to
00:49:48.920 –> 00:49:53.639
thank you, sir, for something. Acknowledge them.
00:49:53.880 –> 00:49:58.800
That’s an affirmation. That’s a validation. I
00:49:58.800 –> 00:50:01.659
believe you’re a gentleman. And I believe you’re
00:50:01.659 –> 00:50:06.760
a lady rather than just a girl. Yeah. I mean,
00:50:06.780 –> 00:50:08.820
the language that you use does matter. And I
00:50:08.820 –> 00:50:11.099
think we’ll talk about that. Hopefully we’ll
00:50:11.099 –> 00:50:12.860
talk about that when we get around to talking
00:50:12.860 –> 00:50:16.920
more about idioms. phrases that people just say,
00:50:17.059 –> 00:50:19.460
you know? What I was thinking, the psychological
00:50:19.460 –> 00:50:21.820
air. We’ve used the term before, and I put
00:50:21.820 –> 00:50:25.639
it in my notes here, the manager -manager. How
00:50:25.639 –> 00:50:27.619
do you manage your manager, the person who’s
00:50:27.619 –> 00:50:32.940
got responsibility to supervise you? You supervise
00:50:32.940 –> 00:50:35.500
them with the psychological error. Too much work.
00:50:35.739 –> 00:50:38.320
It’s not my job to manage my manager. It’s their
00:50:38.320 –> 00:50:42.039
job to manage themselves and me. Right. And most
00:50:42.039 –> 00:50:44.119
people would think that if you’re in a win -lose
00:50:44.119 –> 00:50:46.519
situation. I want to win by not having them talk
00:50:46.519 –> 00:50:50.519
to me. And I’m going to make them lose by just
00:50:50.519 –> 00:50:53.619
doing my job and not worrying about them. But
00:50:53.619 –> 00:50:56.699
how you manage your manager is to use that. You
00:50:56.699 –> 00:51:00.320
want to influence them to do the right things.
00:51:00.840 –> 00:51:03.480
Understand them. Affirm them. Validate what they
00:51:03.480 –> 00:51:07.980
want. Appreciate what they say. Thank you for
00:51:07.980 –> 00:51:10.989
that advice. I appreciate that. even though it
00:51:10.989 –> 00:51:14.329
was a pink slip and a condemnation, say, I appreciate
00:51:14.329 –> 00:51:17.210
your commendation. You got that wrong. I meant
00:51:17.210 –> 00:51:19.630
to condemn you. But you commended me. I’m going
00:51:19.630 –> 00:51:23.389
to do better. It just depends on how you receive
00:51:23.389 –> 00:51:25.510
it. Constructive feedback. You receive it and
00:51:25.510 –> 00:51:27.670
you appreciate and you understand. If it’s an
00:51:27.670 –> 00:51:30.110
offense, like it could be, you know, the circumstance
00:51:30.110 –> 00:51:34.510
is neutral. It could be, you could receive a
00:51:34.510 –> 00:51:37.909
written warning. as constructive feedback or
00:51:37.909 –> 00:51:41.409
as an offense and quit your job immediately because
00:51:41.409 –> 00:51:43.530
obviously this person hates your guts because
00:51:43.530 –> 00:51:46.829
otherwise why would they even give you a warning?
00:51:47.389 –> 00:51:49.269
Constructive feedback, here’s something that
00:51:49.269 –> 00:51:51.030
you can change and if you change it, everything’s
00:51:51.030 –> 00:51:54.469
going to be great again. Ultimatums maybe falls
00:51:54.469 –> 00:51:58.510
under that too. Are ultimatums valid? And there’s
00:51:58.510 –> 00:52:00.670
a relation to wants. So assuming that everything’s
00:52:00.670 –> 00:52:03.190
subjective, so that’s… Question I want to ask,
00:52:03.309 –> 00:52:06.530
are they valid? Can you give an ultimatum appropriately?
00:52:07.429 –> 00:52:10.309
Appropriately. I think ultimatums are kind of
00:52:10.309 –> 00:52:14.849
like a last resort thing. Like I’ve tried all
00:52:14.849 –> 00:52:18.050
of the things that I could to make this thing
00:52:18.050 –> 00:52:22.929
happen or stop happening. And so now I just want
00:52:22.929 –> 00:52:26.469
to give you one last warning. If this thing continues
00:52:26.469 –> 00:52:29.090
to happen or if this thing, you know, depending
00:52:29.090 –> 00:52:34.000
on what it is that you need. In quotes. When
00:52:34.000 –> 00:52:36.980
you issue an ultimatum. Here’s what’s going to
00:52:36.980 –> 00:52:39.820
happen and that’s it. Right. And that’s it. When
00:52:39.820 –> 00:52:42.280
you issue an ultimatum, it means you’re done.
00:52:42.679 –> 00:52:45.199
You’re not going to consider that person anymore.
00:52:45.679 –> 00:52:48.300
Is that what that means? Your way or the highway
00:52:48.300 –> 00:52:51.260
is what it kind of means. Yeah. It’s a win -lose.
00:52:51.980 –> 00:52:54.559
It’s a win -lose idea. What’s the logical end
00:52:54.559 –> 00:52:58.000
to that? I started reading Plato’s The Republic.
00:52:59.639 –> 00:53:03.000
That whole description, it’s coming to the logical
00:53:03.000 –> 00:53:05.780
end. Socratic dialectic, a Socratic discussion
00:53:05.780 –> 00:53:09.139
is to take things to their logical end, is what
00:53:09.139 –> 00:53:12.980
I’m understanding so far anyway. So the logical
00:53:12.980 –> 00:53:16.159
end of making an ultimatum is saying, you’re
00:53:16.159 –> 00:53:19.739
dead to me. Yeah, that’s the logical end. So
00:53:19.739 –> 00:53:22.980
are you saying that ultimatums can’t end in a
00:53:22.980 –> 00:53:25.929
win -win? Right. Right. They’re automatically
00:53:25.929 –> 00:53:27.989
a win -lose because you’re saying you’ve already
00:53:27.989 –> 00:53:30.949
lost, whether you’ve already lost or you’re going
00:53:30.949 –> 00:53:34.190
to lose because I’m making this ultimatum. There’s
00:53:34.190 –> 00:53:37.710
not a way that you can succeed, that they can
00:53:37.710 –> 00:53:40.429
succeed, if you’re telling them you’re on the
00:53:40.429 –> 00:53:46.070
wrong side and you change this or it’s done or
00:53:46.070 –> 00:53:49.269
you can’t eat here anymore. You either stop cursing
00:53:49.269 –> 00:53:51.789
or you leave this restaurant. Yeah, that would
00:53:51.789 –> 00:53:54.940
be an ultimatum. Yeah. And so the person, you
00:53:54.940 –> 00:53:57.639
know, as you say, I’ve warned you three or four
00:53:57.639 –> 00:53:59.619
times, we put you in this corner, we already
00:53:59.619 –> 00:54:02.380
put the noise machines around you. At least could
00:54:02.380 –> 00:54:05.000
you curse underneath the sound of the noise machines?
00:54:05.960 –> 00:54:08.059
But we’ve gone through all of that. So we get
00:54:08.059 –> 00:54:10.659
to the ultimatum. And hopefully you do get to
00:54:10.659 –> 00:54:13.719
go through all those subjective levels first
00:54:13.719 –> 00:54:17.199
before you hit the final ultimatum. It just doesn’t
00:54:17.199 –> 00:54:20.360
make any sense. Yeah, the most dedicated of people
00:54:20.360 –> 00:54:23.860
will spend years. going through whatever they
00:54:23.860 –> 00:54:26.539
can before they feel like they’ve tried every
00:54:26.539 –> 00:54:30.380
single thing. And now it’s ultimatum time. That’s,
00:54:30.380 –> 00:54:32.900
there’s nothing else that I can think of to do.
00:54:33.239 –> 00:54:36.579
Hopefully ultimatums don’t happen in the first
00:54:36.579 –> 00:54:40.940
year of, or in the first days of something. Of
00:54:40.940 –> 00:54:44.300
a relationship. You know, yeah, a business relationship
00:54:44.300 –> 00:54:47.119
or a partnership, a marital relationship or.
00:54:47.869 –> 00:54:49.809
You know, I mean, I could have given my kids
00:54:49.809 –> 00:54:51.949
an ultimatum to stop crying in the middle of
00:54:51.949 –> 00:54:54.449
the night right away. Like I could have said,
00:54:54.530 –> 00:54:56.389
OK, you’re two days old. You should have this
00:54:56.389 –> 00:54:59.449
figured out by now. You know, so either you stop
00:54:59.449 –> 00:55:03.349
crying or I’m done. I’m done with this, you know.
00:55:03.710 –> 00:55:06.449
But I was dedicated. I stuck it through. And
00:55:06.449 –> 00:55:10.489
one of them did take until they were eight to
00:55:10.489 –> 00:55:12.730
stop crying in the middle of the night. But it
00:55:12.730 –> 00:55:16.650
did happen. Yeah. Finally, at some point. I tried
00:55:16.650 –> 00:55:18.949
everything that I could. At some point, you’ll
00:55:18.949 –> 00:55:22.690
stop having a need for chocolate in your house.
00:55:22.949 –> 00:55:27.510
Yeah. Perhaps. Or you could say that it’s never
00:55:27.510 –> 00:55:30.429
going to change. That’s just a want. You’re going
00:55:30.429 –> 00:55:32.070
to maintain the rest of your life, whatever the
00:55:32.070 –> 00:55:34.829
want is. I think once you get to an ultimatum,
00:55:34.829 –> 00:55:39.030
or if you think that is the avenue you have to
00:55:39.030 –> 00:55:41.309
take, I think you’re thinking wrong. I would
00:55:41.309 –> 00:55:43.170
tend to motivate, but how do you understand that?
00:55:43.230 –> 00:55:45.340
So if I want to motivate someone not… want
00:55:45.340 –> 00:55:48.199
to ever do an ultimatum because ultimatums don’t
00:55:48.199 –> 00:55:51.039
work. They’re necessarily that downward spiral.
00:55:51.619 –> 00:55:58.300
You’re saying in that that my pleasure, my value
00:55:58.300 –> 00:56:00.820
is much more than yours and I’m going to devalue
00:56:00.820 –> 00:56:04.460
you entirely and tell you that if you continue
00:56:04.460 –> 00:56:07.380
to do what you do, I’m going to circle it and
00:56:07.380 –> 00:56:09.739
cycle it down. It’s a downward cycle. It’s a
00:56:09.739 –> 00:56:13.019
hedonism. I pleasure my value much more than
00:56:13.019 –> 00:56:16.019
yours. To win -win, you have to always consider
00:56:16.019 –> 00:56:19.480
their subjective wants and desires and needs.
00:56:19.800 –> 00:56:22.260
You have to understand and affirm them and validate
00:56:22.260 –> 00:56:25.980
them and even appreciate where they are. Even
00:56:25.980 –> 00:56:27.599
if it’s something you don’t agree with completely,
00:56:27.900 –> 00:56:29.739
you don’t have to. That’s why I said earlier,
00:56:29.820 –> 00:56:32.420
you said you have to agree to the law. You only
00:56:32.420 –> 00:56:34.420
have to comply to the law. You don’t have to
00:56:34.420 –> 00:56:37.550
agree to it, but you do have to comply. And you
00:56:37.550 –> 00:56:39.530
have to appreciate them enough. If what you want
00:56:39.530 –> 00:56:42.969
is to live within that. Is to have that relationship,
00:56:43.130 –> 00:56:47.409
have that society. So an ultimatum, I believe,
00:56:47.449 –> 00:56:50.289
is never a valid thing to display your needs
00:56:50.289 –> 00:56:52.750
in ultimatums. You display your needs and wants.
00:56:52.829 –> 00:56:55.869
I need this. So that was, let’s move to that
00:56:55.869 –> 00:56:59.809
way of discussing this. Do we state our needs
00:56:59.809 –> 00:57:02.789
or assume they are understood? So when we actually
00:57:02.789 –> 00:57:06.429
have needs. Most of the time, I think we don’t
00:57:06.429 –> 00:57:09.230
state them. Would it be beneficial to state what
00:57:09.230 –> 00:57:11.590
we need from others, a business relationship
00:57:11.590 –> 00:57:15.469
or a partnership or a marriage or friends? Yeah.
00:57:15.630 –> 00:57:21.449
I think it is more useful than not to state them
00:57:21.449 –> 00:57:24.989
clearly. Expectations, your needs, you expect
00:57:24.989 –> 00:57:28.269
that these specific needs will be met. These
00:57:28.269 –> 00:57:31.489
specific wants will eventually be fulfilled.
00:57:31.789 –> 00:57:34.510
I think. I mean, especially if you’re going into
00:57:34.510 –> 00:57:37.510
a marriage, you definitely need to state clearly
00:57:37.510 –> 00:57:40.389
what your wants and your needs are. You can’t
00:57:40.389 –> 00:57:44.570
have that be a surprise. No. Huh? No? When you’re
00:57:44.570 –> 00:57:47.030
going into a marriage, how much time does it
00:57:47.030 –> 00:57:51.170
take to go into a marriage? Even if you’re excessive
00:57:51.170 –> 00:57:53.090
with it. As long as it takes. Even if you’re
00:57:53.090 –> 00:57:55.750
excessive with it, it’s a year or two, maybe
00:57:55.750 –> 00:57:59.289
five. That’s way excessive, though. Most marriages
00:57:59.289 –> 00:58:03.110
are entered into. Very close relations that have
00:58:03.110 –> 00:58:06.969
been going into a marriage for five or longer.
00:58:07.110 –> 00:58:10.550
12 years, maybe something like that. Yeah. Potentially
00:58:10.550 –> 00:58:14.449
much. Yeah. No, I think we’re at, we’ve got to
00:58:14.449 –> 00:58:16.769
be at like eight, eight or nine years. Yeah.
00:58:16.769 –> 00:58:21.449
Whether or not that’s already a marriage, that’s in question.
00:58:22.750 –> 00:58:25.789
No. Okay. What you’re saying is there’s not enough
00:58:25.789 –> 00:58:28.889
time. No, not that there’s not enough time. No
00:58:28.889 –> 00:58:33.710
one. It’s not feasible to answer all your questions
00:58:33.710 –> 00:58:36.190
before you get into marriage. Most of the time
00:58:36.190 –> 00:58:38.650
in a marriage is after you’ve agreed to marry,
00:58:38.809 –> 00:58:41.989
after you’ve been married. Most of the time of
00:58:41.989 –> 00:58:45.489
a marriage is dealt in the years after the wedding.
00:58:45.750 –> 00:58:49.269
That is objectively true. There’s a small piece
00:58:49.269 –> 00:58:51.289
of time that’s before the wedding where you’re
00:58:51.289 –> 00:58:53.909
deciding, should I say yes when he kneels down?
00:58:54.409 –> 00:58:57.260
That’s a very small window. And then once you
00:58:57.260 –> 00:58:59.860
say yes, then you have to start figuring it out.
00:58:59.920 –> 00:59:02.260
And you do have that for the rest of your time.
00:59:02.780 –> 00:59:06.880
Okay. So maybe there’s like some important topics
00:59:06.880 –> 00:59:10.059
to discuss first, but then all the rest of them
00:59:10.059 –> 00:59:12.760
are just not as important as those ones. Like,
00:59:12.760 –> 00:59:16.880
do we want to have a family? And is this the
00:59:16.880 –> 00:59:19.619
kind of relationship where both partners work?
00:59:19.619 –> 00:59:21.579
Where would you like to be married? You know,
00:59:21.599 –> 00:59:27.199
is our religious belief compatible? Is our family
00:59:27.199 –> 00:59:30.800
idea belief compatible? Do you believe that dad
00:59:30.800 –> 00:59:33.500
should be involved in the family or, you know,
00:59:33.500 –> 00:59:36.480
is this a misogynistic relationship you’re looking
00:59:36.480 –> 00:59:40.159
for? Right. There are a few things that are really
00:59:40.159 –> 00:59:44.539
important to make clear. Definitely state your
00:59:44.539 –> 00:59:47.039
needs and wants. Are you really a liar or are
00:59:47.039 –> 00:59:51.739
you just lying to me now? So is it pathological?
00:59:53.070 –> 00:59:55.670
It’s always pathological. We know that. Shut
00:59:55.670 –> 00:59:59.949
up. Right. Right. We are who we are. Do you want
00:59:59.949 –> 01:00:04.929
to lie? What’s your definition of fidelity? And
01:00:04.929 –> 01:00:07.190
we’ll leave it to, you know, marriage experts
01:00:07.190 –> 01:00:12.269
to determine what exactly those things are. But,
01:00:12.269 –> 01:00:15.170
you know, you’ve been married for almost 40 years
01:00:15.170 –> 01:00:17.929
and I’ve been married for almost 20 years. You
01:00:17.929 –> 01:00:20.190
know, that’s 60 years combined. We should know
01:00:20.190 –> 01:00:24.329
everything by now. All we really know is that
01:00:24.329 –> 01:00:29.190
it changes. Every day is a new day. Yeah. I think
01:00:29.190 –> 01:00:32.309
it’s not fair to just assume that somebody can
01:00:32.309 –> 01:00:36.130
guess your needs and your wants correctly. I
01:00:36.130 –> 01:00:39.289
mean, I think perhaps the more history you have,
01:00:39.510 –> 01:00:42.769
the more it is possible that they would correctly
01:00:42.769 –> 01:00:48.670
guess. But it’s like… If you’re expecting someone
01:00:48.670 –> 01:00:55.469
to just know what you need and they guess incorrectly,
01:00:55.710 –> 01:00:57.750
then you’re setting yourself up for kind of a
01:00:57.750 –> 01:01:01.750
disappointment and upset and feeling the need
01:01:01.750 –> 01:01:04.309
to set an ultimatum because you could never get
01:01:04.309 –> 01:01:07.869
it right. And so either you start getting it
01:01:07.869 –> 01:01:11.570
right now or we’re done, you know? And that’s
01:01:11.570 –> 01:01:14.989
an ultimatum. Would that be a boundary too? Are
01:01:14.989 –> 01:01:18.760
boundaries somewhat ultimatums? Yeah. Ultimatums
01:01:18.760 –> 01:01:22.039
are kind of a finality thing, though. Well, it’s
01:01:22.039 –> 01:01:25.360
a final boundary. Yeah. A boundary could be an
01:01:25.360 –> 01:01:29.059
ultimatum, but not ultimatum. No. Yeah. Ultimatums
01:01:29.059 –> 01:01:31.780
are boundaries, maybe, but not all boundaries
01:01:31.780 –> 01:01:34.340
are ultimatums. Right. I think that’s right.
01:01:34.579 –> 01:01:36.860
Because you could say, I really don’t like it
01:01:36.860 –> 01:01:39.219
when you use those words. That’s a boundary.
01:01:39.579 –> 01:01:44.139
I’m going to mention it every time. If you ever…
01:01:44.329 –> 01:01:46.349
talk that way again or speak with me in that
01:01:46.349 –> 01:01:48.309
tone of voice, I’m going to note it. I’ll let
01:01:48.309 –> 01:01:51.789
you know that it upset me. And the ultimatum
01:01:51.789 –> 01:01:55.349
is, if you use that tone of voice to me again,
01:01:55.510 –> 01:02:00.150
then I’m leaving. Something like that. Yes. Then
01:02:00.150 –> 01:02:03.789
I’ll never speak to you again. Yeah. There’s
01:02:03.789 –> 01:02:08.230
an ultimatum boundary here. Or I will cause you
01:02:08.230 –> 01:02:12.119
pain in some other way. The win -win situation,
01:02:12.460 –> 01:02:14.880
though, has to be done by people continuing to
01:02:14.880 –> 01:02:18.420
care about the other’s needs and wants. I think
01:02:18.420 –> 01:02:21.739
we quite often assume that other people understand
01:02:21.739 –> 01:02:24.940
because they’re people. Because we’re all living
01:02:24.940 –> 01:02:29.079
the same experience. Yeah, but it’s a bias. We
01:02:29.079 –> 01:02:32.519
all live in our own biases, and we think that
01:02:32.519 –> 01:02:35.639
other people know what we know. And if they do
01:02:35.639 –> 01:02:39.219
know, that’s the reason we’re trying to discuss
01:02:39.219 –> 01:02:41.340
these things because… We don’t really know
01:02:41.340 –> 01:02:44.360
what other people mean. We don’t even know what
01:02:44.360 –> 01:02:48.820
we ourselves need. That’s another problem is
01:02:48.820 –> 01:02:52.059
you think that you want all of the same things
01:02:52.059 –> 01:02:55.780
that everyone else wants, but what if… Everyone
01:02:55.780 –> 01:02:57.659
else wants… But you think that what you’re
01:02:57.659 –> 01:03:01.039
wanting is appropriate. Yeah. But like what if
01:03:01.039 –> 01:03:02.900
it turns out… And that it’s normal. I think
01:03:02.900 –> 01:03:05.780
I’m wanting normal things until I voice them.
01:03:05.860 –> 01:03:08.579
And then there’s that… You have reticence of
01:03:08.579 –> 01:03:10.639
voicing them because as soon as I voice and say,
01:03:10.739 –> 01:03:15.300
I want to have an iguana. And then everyone’s
01:03:15.300 –> 01:03:19.780
like, what? You have never shown any inkling
01:03:19.780 –> 01:03:25.179
to wanting. Yeah, a lizard. You may think it’s
01:03:25.179 –> 01:03:27.119
normal, but as soon as you say it, then you’re
01:03:27.119 –> 01:03:30.219
vulnerable in the group. And you’re vulnerable
01:03:30.219 –> 01:03:32.980
to their questions, to their needs and wants.
01:03:33.179 –> 01:03:35.780
And then it opens the conversation. And conversations
01:03:35.780 –> 01:03:39.510
can be uncomfortable. At times. So when it gets
01:03:39.510 –> 01:03:41.469
to an uncomfortable level, vulnerability can
01:03:41.469 –> 01:03:43.809
be uncomfortable. But we know that vulnerability
01:03:43.809 –> 01:03:46.690
is the right way. An open conversation is better
01:03:46.690 –> 01:03:49.530
than no conversation. But the no conversation
01:03:49.530 –> 01:03:52.090
usually happens and they say, if you didn’t,
01:03:52.090 –> 01:03:55.070
you have to know what I want because I want common
01:03:55.070 –> 01:03:57.769
things and you want common things. And if I have
01:03:57.769 –> 01:04:02.349
to tell you, then you don’t really want it, do
01:04:02.349 –> 01:04:07.239
you? You must not want common things. You don’t
01:04:07.239 –> 01:04:09.239
know what you want or don’t want unless you converse
01:04:09.239 –> 01:04:11.139
about it, unless you talk about it. You have
01:04:11.139 –> 01:04:14.159
to be open enough to do that rather than saying
01:04:14.159 –> 01:04:19.039
it appears that you don’t want cats, and so I
01:04:19.039 –> 01:04:21.179
can’t talk to you anymore. We’re not going to
01:04:21.179 –> 01:04:24.679
further this engagement because it appeared to
01:04:24.679 –> 01:04:27.760
me you saw that cat or you steered towards that
01:04:27.760 –> 01:04:29.980
cat, and I can’t handle that, so I’m just not
01:04:29.980 –> 01:04:31.800
going to ever talk to you again. Something that
01:04:31.800 –> 01:04:33.539
might have been a good relationship, a good marriage,
01:04:33.679 –> 01:04:36.199
if they’d talked about. what that steering towards
01:04:36.199 –> 01:04:38.880
the cat was in the road, rather than just coming
01:04:38.880 –> 01:04:41.940
up with an ultimatum, that is something I can’t
01:04:41.940 –> 01:04:45.300
deal with and I’m not going to. And so you develop
01:04:45.300 –> 01:04:47.760
in yourself everything that that meant without
01:04:47.760 –> 01:04:50.519
ever discussing it. You can’t be understood if
01:04:50.519 –> 01:04:53.960
you’re not open to converse. It maybe takes the
01:04:53.960 –> 01:04:58.460
responsibility of, it’s in the responsibility
01:04:58.460 –> 01:05:04.050
of both people in a relationship to… What?
01:05:04.530 –> 01:05:07.170
Recognize something that might need open conversation
01:05:07.170 –> 01:05:10.590
about, but then also, like, if you’re seeing
01:05:10.590 –> 01:05:13.289
it in someone else or if you see that they just
01:05:13.289 –> 01:05:15.570
don’t get you, then you’ve got to also bring
01:05:15.570 –> 01:05:18.730
that up too, right? Seek to understand before
01:05:18.730 –> 01:05:22.769
you seek to be understood. You do need to voice
01:05:22.769 –> 01:05:25.789
your wants and needs. If you can identify it
01:05:25.789 –> 01:05:28.230
as a need, a need you’re going to justify, justify
01:05:28.230 –> 01:05:30.789
that I need it because of this. My want is a
01:05:30.789 –> 01:05:34.000
need. And we talked about that. Needs are only
01:05:34.000 –> 01:05:36.880
subservient to wants. I want this, and because
01:05:36.880 –> 01:05:40.239
I want it, I need this. And here’s the reason
01:05:40.239 –> 01:05:42.340
I need it, because if I don’t have that first,
01:05:42.539 –> 01:05:44.639
if I don’t have gloves, I can’t pick up those
01:05:44.639 –> 01:05:47.559
stickery bushes. I need it. I want to pick up
01:05:47.559 –> 01:05:51.280
the bushes, but I can’t do it unless I have gloves.
01:05:52.380 –> 01:05:56.239
Right. And so you need gloves. Yeah. So there’s
01:05:56.239 –> 01:05:58.960
a need, and it’s justified. Needs are always
01:05:58.960 –> 01:06:01.139
justified, but they’re always subservient to
01:06:01.139 –> 01:06:03.409
wants. And maybe you don’t have to pick up those
01:06:03.409 –> 01:06:06.889
bushes. You don’t have to clean that. It’ll die.
01:06:07.010 –> 01:06:08.969
You don’t have to manage the forest. But you’d
01:06:08.969 –> 01:06:11.289
want to. And because you want to, you need certain
01:06:11.289 –> 01:06:14.289
things in order to do it. So we always need certain
01:06:14.289 –> 01:06:18.369
things to do what we want. And if you need psychological
01:06:18.369 –> 01:06:20.369
air, you want to have a relationship with other
01:06:20.369 –> 01:06:22.570
people, you want to live in a community, that
01:06:22.570 –> 01:06:25.190
community has to agree or has to comply with
01:06:25.190 –> 01:06:27.269
each other at least, even if they don’t agree.
01:06:28.489 –> 01:06:32.309
That you have to be open to conversing. You can
01:06:32.309 –> 01:06:35.329
only get to a win -win situation, a fully functioning,
01:06:35.429 –> 01:06:38.469
efficient community or relationship if you’re
01:06:38.469 –> 01:06:41.030
conversing back and forth, if you’re discussing
01:06:41.030 –> 01:06:43.730
what you want. Yeah. And that rolls down to what
01:06:43.730 –> 01:06:46.269
you need. When I was a teenager, I thought I
01:06:46.269 –> 01:06:49.250
was really, really smart. And I kept saying things
01:06:49.250 –> 01:06:52.670
like, it’s all just a miscommunication issue.
01:06:52.769 –> 01:06:55.519
There wasn’t any. There wasn’t enough communication
01:06:55.519 –> 01:06:57.519
around this thing. This is why we’re having an
01:06:57.519 –> 01:07:00.000
issue is because we didn’t communicate enough
01:07:00.000 –> 01:07:03.920
about it. Kind of, kind of is like that though,
01:07:04.000 –> 01:07:06.860
isn’t it? Were you right? It sounds like you
01:07:06.860 –> 01:07:09.739
were right. I feel like I was right. You’re coming
01:07:09.739 –> 01:07:12.940
to the conclusion that what you surmised way
01:07:12.940 –> 01:07:16.559
early in life is appropriate. It’s just, if you
01:07:16.559 –> 01:07:18.800
stop talking, that’s kind of an ultimatum in
01:07:18.800 –> 01:07:21.780
itself. You know, I’m done. Talk to the hand.
01:07:25.430 –> 01:07:28.210
Because the face ain’t listening or something,
01:07:28.389 –> 01:07:32.989
right? Yeah. However that went. But that’s an
01:07:32.989 –> 01:07:35.050
ultimatum. It’s saying no more conversation.
01:07:35.429 –> 01:07:38.550
If you stop a conversation, if you stop the learning,
01:07:38.630 –> 01:07:45.269
and conversation, just that word, it’s an opposition,
01:07:45.570 –> 01:07:48.150
con. You’re talking about two opposite things.
01:07:48.329 –> 01:07:51.130
To converse is both of you have to be involved
01:07:51.130 –> 01:07:54.250
in it. If you converse one way, it’s a lecture
01:07:54.250 –> 01:07:59.289
or it’s a yelling at me or it’s whatever. A one
01:07:59.289 –> 01:08:02.690
-way conversation is not a conversation. That’s
01:08:02.690 –> 01:08:06.750
an oxymoron. One -way conversation. It has to
01:08:06.750 –> 01:08:10.550
be both ways. And it has to have differing wants
01:08:10.550 –> 01:08:13.869
and opinions and views. You can’t have a conversation
01:08:13.869 –> 01:08:17.590
of one side. Yeah, where everyone just agrees
01:08:17.590 –> 01:08:20.649
with everything you say. Yeah, conversation with
01:08:20.649 –> 01:08:23.880
yourself. You can do that. You can bounce back
01:08:23.880 –> 01:08:25.680
and forth, but you have to bounce back and forth
01:08:25.680 –> 01:08:28.340
in a conversation between two ideas. You can’t
01:08:28.340 –> 01:08:32.600
bounce one idea back and forth. So the con-, the conflict
01:08:32.600 –> 01:08:36.880
part of it is there in a conversation, and that’s
01:08:36.880 –> 01:08:39.520
what’s uncomfortable, is there’s a conflict in
01:08:39.520 –> 01:08:42.460
a conversation, and you’re trying to prioritize
01:08:42.460 –> 01:08:47.560
that conflict. Brooke Castillo has one of her
01:08:47.560 –> 01:08:51.260
early episodes. Maybe it’s not early. was want
01:08:51.260 –> 01:08:56.460
match. Have you seen that yet? I maybe have.
01:08:57.140 –> 01:09:00.439
Maybe I haven’t listened to it because I thought
01:09:00.439 –> 01:09:05.060
it wasn’t relevant. I want to relate it here,
01:09:05.159 –> 01:09:07.899
bring it into this conversation. She says, we
01:09:07.899 –> 01:09:10.699
all have things that we want and they’re different.
01:09:10.840 –> 01:09:12.899
They’re all different. That’s what we kind of
01:09:12.899 –> 01:09:15.439
came up with is it’s subjective. But what you
01:09:15.439 –> 01:09:17.520
have to do is display what your wants are to
01:09:17.520 –> 01:09:19.439
the person you’re working with, your partner,
01:09:19.539 –> 01:09:22.449
your… spouse or anyone else, you display what
01:09:22.449 –> 01:09:25.869
you want. And then if there’s a match, then you
01:09:25.869 –> 01:09:27.689
both do it together. That’s the things that you
01:09:27.689 –> 01:09:29.710
do together are those things that you have a
01:09:29.710 –> 01:09:32.229
want match. You’re matching your wants. And hopefully
01:09:32.229 –> 01:09:35.170
you have more of those than not. But if there’s
01:09:35.170 –> 01:09:38.069
something that you want and your spouse doesn’t
01:09:38.069 –> 01:09:41.590
want, then there’s no match. So it’s the match
01:09:41.590 –> 01:09:43.970
you’re looking for. If there’s not a match, then
01:09:43.970 –> 01:09:45.409
you just do it on your own. You’ll find some
01:09:45.409 –> 01:09:47.390
other way to get that done if you still want
01:09:47.390 –> 01:09:49.689
it. Or you can say, you know, I really don’t
01:09:49.689 –> 01:09:52.189
want it that much. So you identify what you want.
01:09:52.609 –> 01:09:54.909
You get to choose, though. That was her whole
01:09:54.909 –> 01:09:58.069
point of that is it’s completely in your control.
01:09:58.510 –> 01:10:01.229
You’re never subservient to someone else’s wants.
01:10:01.710 –> 01:10:03.510
You have to decide if you want it and you have
01:10:03.510 –> 01:10:05.529
to let them decide if they want it. If there’s
01:10:05.529 –> 01:10:07.850
a match, you work together on it. If there’s
01:10:07.850 –> 01:10:10.489
not a match, you work separately. Other ways
01:10:10.489 –> 01:10:15.109
to do it. Other ways to knit. Because, you know,
01:10:15.109 –> 01:10:16.489
you don’t have to do that with someone else.
01:10:16.970 –> 01:10:21.569
Yeah, it would be difficult to be in a relationship
01:10:21.569 –> 01:10:27.010
where if someone, if your partner, you’re like,
01:10:27.050 –> 01:10:29.649
let’s say a company, I don’t know if you could
01:10:29.649 –> 01:10:34.130
do it in a company partnership, but like you
01:10:34.130 –> 01:10:38.069
wanted to advertise on your window glass, like
01:10:38.069 –> 01:10:40.270
you wanted to get a painter to come in and do
01:10:40.270 –> 01:10:43.189
it and they didn’t want it. It’s not a want match,
01:10:43.289 –> 01:10:46.399
but. It would be difficult if they’re like, well,
01:10:46.460 –> 01:10:48.420
I don’t want it. And so we’re not going to do
01:10:48.420 –> 01:10:50.500
it. We’re only going to do the things that both
01:10:50.500 –> 01:10:54.180
of us want. Yeah. Yeah. So if you had a partnership
01:10:54.180 –> 01:10:57.000
with the window and that would be the discussion,
01:10:57.060 –> 01:10:58.720
that’s the conversation. And that’s potentially
01:10:58.720 –> 01:11:00.760
a difficult conversation. Right. But it needs
01:11:00.760 –> 01:11:04.560
to happen. Yeah. You have the conversation. There’s
01:11:04.560 –> 01:11:06.720
going to be justifications for the needs. We
01:11:06.720 –> 01:11:09.140
need to put this on the window because I want
01:11:09.140 –> 01:11:11.609
it on the window. Well, what purpose does it
01:11:11.609 –> 01:11:13.149
serve? You have to talk about those purposes.
01:11:13.529 –> 01:11:16.810
What purposes does a clean window serve for you?
01:11:16.930 –> 01:11:20.069
Why do you not want these images on the window?
01:11:20.229 –> 01:11:21.770
What’s wrong with putting stuff on the window?
01:11:21.850 –> 01:11:24.310
Well, because I need people from the street to
01:11:24.310 –> 01:11:26.090
see we have the lights. The back lighting happens
01:11:26.090 –> 01:11:28.670
in the store. People driving by the street see
01:11:28.670 –> 01:11:30.409
what’s in the store. They can’t see it if they’re
01:11:30.409 –> 01:11:32.649
looking through these advertisements on the window.
01:11:33.010 –> 01:11:36.130
If it doesn’t come to win -win, though, is what
01:11:36.130 –> 01:11:38.569
Brooke Castillo is saying is if you don’t have
01:11:38.569 –> 01:11:42.930
a want match. then you can choose to still do
01:11:42.930 –> 01:11:45.789
it, just do it separately, right? Right. You
01:11:45.789 –> 01:11:48.810
exit that. That partnership ends. You get one
01:11:48.810 –> 01:11:51.470
store and you just split up for business. But
01:11:51.470 –> 01:11:54.869
could you do it still together, though? Could
01:11:54.869 –> 01:11:56.729
you say, all right, we won’t use the business
01:11:56.729 –> 01:11:59.609
funds for this advertisement. I’m going to go
01:11:59.609 –> 01:12:01.989
and sell lemonade, and then I’m going to pay
01:12:01.989 –> 01:12:06.079
for the window stuff or something. I’m not going
01:12:06.079 –> 01:12:07.840
to, I’m not going to paint the windows. I’ll,
01:12:07.840 –> 01:12:09.680
I’ll buy a piece of glass and put it up against
01:12:09.680 –> 01:12:12.460
the wall. And, but that, I mean, that kind of
01:12:12.460 –> 01:12:14.840
does turn into a win -win though. Yeah. We’ll
01:12:14.840 –> 01:12:17.340
put a mural next to it. So yeah. And you do have,
01:12:17.340 –> 01:12:19.159
you come, come up with a win -win if you want
01:12:19.159 –> 01:12:21.859
to stay in business with each other. What Brooke
01:12:21.859 –> 01:12:25.020
was talking about was, you know, in a, in a marital
01:12:25.020 –> 01:12:28.680
relationship, you can choose to divorce that
01:12:28.680 –> 01:12:31.329
relationship. That’s a valid choice you have
01:12:31.329 –> 01:12:33.989
that you can make based on your want match. If
01:12:33.989 –> 01:12:36.189
you determine there’s just so many things that
01:12:36.189 –> 01:12:39.149
we’re not matching on our wants, then that relationship
01:12:39.149 –> 01:12:42.430
doesn’t have to supersede, doesn’t have to stay.
01:12:42.689 –> 01:12:45.109
I think she pointed that out almost directly.
01:12:45.590 –> 01:12:49.329
And consequently, in her personal life, she decided
01:12:49.329 –> 01:12:51.949
that was an option for her. This was before her
01:12:51.949 –> 01:12:53.850
kids were out of school and on college. And as
01:12:53.850 –> 01:12:55.109
soon as they went to college and they’re all
01:12:55.109 –> 01:12:57.930
independent, her two kids, she’s no longer married.
01:12:58.300 –> 01:13:01.220
She was speaking from a base of understanding
01:13:01.220 –> 01:13:04.319
with that, like in all of her life. I’m sure
01:13:04.319 –> 01:13:07.279
she talks about truth and life the way she’s
01:13:07.279 –> 01:13:10.800
living it. Like how we choose our topics for
01:13:10.800 –> 01:13:13.560
what we’re going to talk about. This is all relevant
01:13:13.560 –> 01:13:16.539
to our personal lives. This is stuff we’re working
01:13:16.539 –> 01:13:19.000
with and that everyone is working with all the
01:13:19.000 –> 01:13:23.500
time. We’re not talking about pink elephants.
01:13:23.819 –> 01:13:25.840
We’re talking about things that actually exist.
01:13:26.439 –> 01:13:28.880
So you have your choices to make based on what
01:13:28.880 –> 01:13:30.920
the other person wants. But in order to determine
01:13:30.920 –> 01:13:33.659
that, you have to be open to the discussion.
01:13:33.899 –> 01:13:35.960
You have to be looking for the win -win. And
01:13:35.960 –> 01:13:39.020
there’s always places to go. You know, there’s
01:13:39.020 –> 01:13:41.859
two or three different ways, at least, to do
01:13:41.859 –> 01:13:45.680
anything. You just have to go to those, get to
01:13:45.680 –> 01:13:51.000
that level. And where, what is step six, or what
01:13:51.000 –> 01:13:53.899
are these called in seven habits? Habit six is
01:13:53.899 –> 01:13:57.079
synergy. By discussing it, by looking for the
01:13:57.079 –> 01:14:01.260
win -win in step five, I think it is, by looking
01:14:01.260 –> 01:14:06.319
for the win -win, you do get to synergy. Win
01:14:06.319 –> 01:14:09.060
-win is four. Five is understanding. So thinking
01:14:09.060 –> 01:14:10.979
win -win means you have to understand. So then
01:14:10.979 –> 01:14:13.220
you seek to understand with step five. No, step
01:14:13.220 –> 01:14:17.039
six, you benefit from the synergy. Things come
01:14:17.039 –> 01:14:19.319
up that neither of you brought to the table.
01:14:19.380 –> 01:14:22.460
But because you’re willing to think win -win,
01:14:22.460 –> 01:14:25.199
willing to converse, Open the conversation and
01:14:25.199 –> 01:14:27.460
keep it going. You’re willing to try to understand
01:14:27.460 –> 01:14:29.359
the other person and rephrase what they just
01:14:29.359 –> 01:14:33.119
said so that it’s understood clearly and affirmed
01:14:33.119 –> 01:14:36.659
and validated and appreciated. The synergy will
01:14:36.659 –> 01:14:40.039
happen. New avenues will open up that you never
01:14:40.039 –> 01:14:42.739
thought of, you hadn’t thought of yet. But the
01:14:42.739 –> 01:14:45.680
thoughts come, the inspiration comes, the intuition
01:14:45.680 –> 01:14:49.180
comes. Yeah. And I imagine sometimes it could
01:14:49.180 –> 01:14:52.000
take a lot of dedication and sticking through
01:14:52.000 –> 01:14:56.750
it -ness. to get to that synergistic point because
01:14:56.750 –> 01:14:58.390
it’s not always going to happen in the first
01:14:58.390 –> 01:15:00.649
five minutes of saying, okay, neither of these
01:15:00.649 –> 01:15:02.470
choices are okay. Let’s find something else.
01:15:02.810 –> 01:15:06.390
Maybe with more practice it could, but… You’re
01:15:06.390 –> 01:15:08.189
not even necessarily looking for another choice.
01:15:08.449 –> 01:15:11.689
It may be one of those two, but you don’t have
01:15:11.689 –> 01:15:14.850
the right feel to it yet. And that’s the way
01:15:14.850 –> 01:15:18.409
it’s been described too, unity. And it really
01:15:18.409 –> 01:15:21.729
is a unifying thing. A want match is a unity.
01:15:22.220 –> 01:15:24.020
You have to have a unity in what you’re doing.
01:15:24.380 –> 01:15:28.840
So if you’re not unified on the same page, understanding
01:15:28.840 –> 01:15:30.800
the same page, understanding it the same way,
01:15:30.880 –> 01:15:32.939
and you can’t get to that without having the
01:15:32.939 –> 01:15:35.720
conversation about it. And it’s the synergistic
01:15:35.720 –> 01:15:38.000
points that say, you know, I didn’t realize this.
01:15:38.000 –> 01:15:40.279
And she says, I didn’t realize this either. Both
01:15:40.279 –> 01:15:42.060
of you are realizing something new. And all of
01:15:42.060 –> 01:15:44.939
a sudden now the page changed and it became more
01:15:44.939 –> 01:15:47.420
descriptive. And so now you’re on the same page
01:15:47.420 –> 01:15:50.479
because. You’re not on these two disparate pages
01:15:50.479 –> 01:15:53.579
that you were thinking before. The page morphed
01:15:53.579 –> 01:15:55.979
into something that now you both understand and
01:15:55.979 –> 01:15:59.600
agree to fully. And you have a unity. And because
01:15:59.600 –> 01:16:02.100
you have a unity, you can step forward and actually
01:16:02.100 –> 01:16:06.739
get married this time or whatever. I wonder if
01:16:06.739 –> 01:16:11.380
this is a mortality issue. Is this something
01:16:11.380 –> 01:16:14.609
once you become… An immortal being, afterlife,
01:16:14.949 –> 01:16:18.350
and everyone’s eternal. Will we have the ability
01:16:18.350 –> 01:16:22.329
to just know each other’s hearts and know automatically
01:16:22.329 –> 01:16:25.670
what the best path forward is without having
01:16:25.670 –> 01:16:28.789
to converse for hundreds of years about the problem?
01:16:29.229 –> 01:16:32.409
Or thousands of years? A thousand years? Hundreds
01:16:32.409 –> 01:16:35.869
of years being ten hundreds? Calling it a millennium?
01:16:36.449 –> 01:16:40.149
Calling it a millennium and saying, if… Okay,
01:16:40.149 –> 01:16:42.609
so you’re proposing that as a proposal that that
01:16:42.609 –> 01:16:45.369
exists, and let’s say it exists, that there is
01:16:45.369 –> 01:16:49.189
an eternity, there is a continuation. We are
01:16:49.189 –> 01:16:52.430
already in it. The ethereal spirit that we hold
01:16:52.430 –> 01:16:55.350
is already there. We talked about that in telepathy
01:16:55.350 –> 01:16:58.649
a few episodes back. We have that ability to
01:16:58.649 –> 01:17:01.630
understand fully without using words. We just
01:17:01.630 –> 01:17:03.880
haven’t developed it. And there are people who
01:17:03.880 –> 01:17:05.520
have developed it. And those people that have
01:17:05.520 –> 01:17:08.340
developed it before needs, they had needs. So
01:17:08.340 –> 01:17:12.000
a autistic person that’s nonverbal has a need
01:17:12.000 –> 01:17:16.340
to telepathically communicate. And from what
01:17:16.340 –> 01:17:17.739
you were saying, what we talked about before,
01:17:17.840 –> 01:17:21.380
they developed that ability. And so we can have
01:17:21.380 –> 01:17:23.579
that ability and it may take a thousand years.
01:17:23.640 –> 01:17:28.140
Maybe we can do it right now fully, but maybe
01:17:28.140 –> 01:17:31.710
it’ll take time to learn it. to not have to converse,
01:17:31.750 –> 01:17:34.109
not have to have those conversations back and
01:17:34.109 –> 01:17:35.970
forth, but maybe it just takes enough practice
01:17:35.970 –> 01:17:40.189
in the conversation to open up our minds to telepathically
01:17:40.189 –> 01:17:43.430
understand the other person, our spirits to connect.
01:17:43.689 –> 01:17:46.630
So eternally, the one phrase I think was the
01:17:46.630 –> 01:17:48.409
biggest one we took out of that immortal and
01:17:48.409 –> 01:17:51.829
eternal discussion was that you don’t have animosity
01:17:51.829 –> 01:17:56.229
in heaven or in the heaven you’re going to. You’re
01:17:56.229 –> 01:17:59.659
not going to be… Because you know. The hearts
01:17:59.659 –> 01:18:02.340
of everyone. You know and you care enough about
01:18:02.340 –> 01:18:04.199
everyone. It’s a win -win. You know it’s a win
01:18:04.199 –> 01:18:05.800
-win and you’re going to be on that level all
01:18:05.800 –> 01:18:08.060
the time. Understanding and appreciating their
01:18:08.060 –> 01:18:10.399
position as opposed to saying, I understand and
01:18:10.399 –> 01:18:12.159
appreciate mine and I’m hedonistically going
01:18:12.159 –> 01:18:15.399
to say yours is wrong. Yours isn’t wrong. Yours
01:18:15.399 –> 01:18:18.720
is just yours and mine is mine. And that’s where
01:18:18.720 –> 01:18:21.079
we are right now. Right now we’re in a time -delayed,
01:18:21.140 –> 01:18:24.979
delineated life. And as you’re living time to
01:18:24.979 –> 01:18:27.380
time, minute to minute, hour to hour. You’re
01:18:27.380 –> 01:18:29.659
changing as you go. And so the conversation has
01:18:29.659 –> 01:18:33.340
to change with you. But if you live in an omnipresent
01:18:33.340 –> 01:18:36.680
life, in an eternity, in an eternal scheme where
01:18:36.680 –> 01:18:39.159
there’s no today, yesterday, or forever, it’s
01:18:39.159 –> 01:18:43.199
all just now, eternal now, then you do have,
01:18:43.340 –> 01:18:45.739
that’s the omniscience has to happen at the same
01:18:45.739 –> 01:18:48.939
time as omnipresence. And the conversation loses
01:18:48.939 –> 01:18:53.239
its value because you know. other people, you,
01:18:53.319 –> 01:18:56.439
you, you value them appropriately. You can prioritize.
01:18:56.579 –> 01:18:58.939
I don’t know if you prioritize them. Are there
01:18:58.939 –> 01:19:00.859
priorities in heaven? That’d be another discussion
01:19:00.859 –> 01:19:06.340
to have. If, because we can only prioritize if
01:19:06.340 –> 01:19:09.199
we feel like there is a lower priority, you know,
01:19:09.199 –> 01:19:10.960
I could do these five things. I’m going to do
01:19:10.960 –> 01:19:13.720
this one thing at top or maybe these three, but
01:19:13.720 –> 01:19:16.260
these last four, I’m not going to touch ever
01:19:16.260 –> 01:19:19.880
because I prioritize them way low. So where do
01:19:19.880 –> 01:19:22.260
we come to? All needs and wants are subjective.
01:19:22.800 –> 01:19:27.279
And we have to agree in order to deal with people
01:19:27.279 –> 01:19:30.199
that their wants and needs are subjective also.
01:19:30.539 –> 01:19:33.340
And in a relationship, any relationship and every
01:19:33.340 –> 01:19:35.720
relationship you hold, we’re talking back and
01:19:35.720 –> 01:19:38.579
forth. We have to converse with a win -win attitude
01:19:38.579 –> 01:19:41.319
that we’re looking for the best that they have,
01:19:41.539 –> 01:19:43.819
giving them psychological air, allowing them
01:19:43.819 –> 01:19:46.840
your psychological air, letting our needs be
01:19:46.840 –> 01:19:49.800
met in conversation. Until we identify where
01:19:49.800 –> 01:19:52.680
the want matches are, where our unities identify.
01:19:53.340 –> 01:19:55.439
And those people you’re unified with, you work
01:19:55.439 –> 01:19:58.460
with. Those people you have no unity with, there’s
01:19:58.460 –> 01:20:01.520
no reason to kick against the pricks. That’s
01:20:01.520 –> 01:20:04.739
a biblical statement. To battle. To stay in a
01:20:04.739 –> 01:20:07.159
battle with somebody. And you have the choice.
01:20:07.319 –> 01:20:09.939
You can choose to open a business with that individual
01:20:09.939 –> 01:20:13.520
or to do business with that system or not. Or
01:20:13.520 –> 01:20:16.000
to say, you know, I’m just not going to do business
01:20:16.000 –> 01:20:19.560
with that system because… I don’t agree with
01:20:19.560 –> 01:20:22.159
enough things. There’s not enough of a want match
01:20:22.159 –> 01:20:24.819
that I want their product and they want my service.
01:20:25.140 –> 01:20:29.420
I believe all of my notes are discussed, kind
01:20:29.420 –> 01:20:31.779
of. Is there anything that’s been left unsaid?
01:20:32.079 –> 01:20:34.779
One other word that I didn’t touch on is trust.
01:20:35.119 –> 01:20:37.340
And that probably has to do with ultimatums.
01:20:37.479 –> 01:20:40.300
You can issue an ultimatum to someone that you
01:20:40.300 –> 01:20:45.020
don’t trust. It’s probably you have to not trust
01:20:45.020 –> 01:20:48.430
them to issue the ultimatum. to give an ultimatum
01:20:48.430 –> 01:20:51.470
and trust. And that’s where that word came out
01:20:51.470 –> 01:20:54.350
of this Stephen Covey description of the win
01:20:54.350 –> 01:20:57.489
-win too. It says you can try to build the trust
01:20:57.489 –> 01:21:00.949
bank, your emotional bank. He calls it empathic
01:21:00.949 –> 01:21:02.850
listening. By empathic listening, you give psychological
01:21:02.850 –> 01:21:05.909
air. You’re building the emotional bank of someone
01:21:05.909 –> 01:21:09.409
else and building trust. You can try to fund
01:21:09.409 –> 01:21:11.289
that, but if the person isn’t willing to receive
01:21:11.289 –> 01:21:13.989
it, then it doesn’t matter how well you think
01:21:13.989 –> 01:21:17.020
you did. Nothing you do is a deposit unless the
01:21:17.020 –> 01:21:19.960
other person perceives it as such. So you could
01:21:19.960 –> 01:21:21.880
do things, but they could still say, that’s just
01:21:21.880 –> 01:21:24.340
manipulation. You’re just trying to technique
01:21:24.340 –> 01:21:27.520
me into this. And I’m not going to allow that.
01:21:27.840 –> 01:21:29.659
The other person has to be open to it as well.
01:21:29.739 –> 01:21:32.439
That’s the other side of win -win. You can’t
01:21:32.439 –> 01:21:34.239
win -win if you have someone with a lose on the
01:21:34.239 –> 01:21:37.439
other side. Says, you’re just trying to win and
01:21:37.439 –> 01:21:40.520
I don’t want you to win. I’m going to make sure
01:21:40.520 –> 01:21:43.359
you lose. So it has to be both ways. Two people
01:21:43.359 –> 01:21:46.880
have to do it. You can’t give trust to somebody.
01:21:47.359 –> 01:21:49.760
You can’t say, trust me, and it actually means
01:21:49.760 –> 01:21:52.920
anything. I want you to trust me. That means
01:21:52.920 –> 01:21:55.260
nothing. That means nothing. The other person
01:21:55.260 –> 01:22:00.600
has to receive the trust, and you both have to
01:22:00.600 –> 01:22:03.180
want it, a mutual trust, and that’s the unity
01:22:03.180 –> 01:22:05.920
too. I think trust has exactly the same thing
01:22:05.920 –> 01:22:08.239
to do with your wants and your needs. You have
01:22:08.239 –> 01:22:10.890
to be open to allowing the other person. To do
01:22:10.890 –> 01:22:13.029
what they do. So did it all close out in your
01:22:13.029 –> 01:22:15.710
mind? What else do you have that anything else
01:22:15.710 –> 01:22:19.130
that wasn’t finalized? I don’t think that there’s
01:22:19.130 –> 01:22:23.170
anything left dangling. Okay. We snipped it all
01:22:23.170 –> 01:22:27.270
off. There’s no participles out there or polyps.
01:22:28.710 –> 01:22:33.869
Yeah. And I mean, I still, as usual, I still
01:22:33.869 –> 01:22:36.810
feel like there could still be more if we sit
01:22:36.810 –> 01:22:39.760
in silence long enough. then we’ll find something
01:22:39.760 –> 01:22:42.800
else about this that needs to be approached.
01:22:43.359 –> 01:22:46.859
Included? Yeah. I don’t have the time to sit
01:22:46.859 –> 01:22:53.340
in silence at this minute anymore. We’ve discussed
01:22:53.340 –> 01:22:55.619
long enough and we came to some fairly good conclusions.
01:22:56.020 –> 01:22:59.279
[outro] Let me just close this by saying to you, thanks
01:22:59.279 –> 01:23:01.619
for conversing with me because that’s important.
01:23:01.960 –> 01:23:04.699
And we discussed why it’s important today. and
01:23:04.699 –> 01:23:07.380
why that conversation needs to happen, even if
01:23:07.380 –> 01:23:09.100
there’s some opposing views and I have to say
01:23:09.100 –> 01:23:11.079
no and you have to say no at times. We all have
01:23:11.079 –> 01:23:13.319
to do that. And so everyone else listening to
01:23:13.319 –> 01:23:15.859
this podcast, hopefully you’ve had some concern
01:23:15.859 –> 01:23:18.279
with some of the things we’ve said, some conflict,
01:23:18.500 –> 01:23:21.779
some ideas that are different that you say, you
01:23:21.779 –> 01:23:24.119
guys just didn’t consider that fully. Let us
01:23:24.119 –> 01:23:27.359
know, please. You can get with us. It’s doyouhaveaminutepodcast.com
01:23:27.359 –> 01:23:30.399
is the webpage. It has all these on there
01:23:30.399 –> 01:23:32.359
and a place for you to make comments. And so
01:23:32.359 –> 01:23:36.029
do that. Call our phone number. You’ll find us.
01:23:36.409 –> 01:23:40.050
Comment on our YouTube videos. The YouTube videos,
01:23:40.189 –> 01:23:45.670
we’ll respond to those for sure. Right. Assuming
01:23:45.670 –> 01:23:48.050
that we see it. The YouTube channel is becoming
01:23:48.050 –> 01:23:51.670
fairly popular. And so it needs to definitely
01:23:51.670 –> 01:23:54.710
find the platform you will watch on and then
01:23:54.710 –> 01:23:56.409
continue in this conversation with us. That’s
01:23:56.409 –> 01:23:58.729
the intent is that you continue week to week.
01:23:58.829 –> 01:24:01.489
So what are we discussing next week? Is next
01:24:01.489 –> 01:24:04.569
week idioms, I believe? Yeah, and next time,
01:24:04.630 –> 01:24:08.449
I think this is a good time to say we have stepped
01:24:08.449 –> 01:24:12.210
back. We’ve slowed down our process, and now
01:24:12.210 –> 01:24:15.069
we’re doing conversations every two weeks. So
01:24:15.069 –> 01:24:18.170
in a couple of weeks, we’ll be talking about
01:24:18.170 –> 01:24:21.970
idioms, yes, and the language that we use to
01:24:21.970 –> 01:24:26.569
describe the real life around us, you know, yeah.
01:24:26.829 –> 01:24:29.649
Right, and how we indicate our wants based on
01:24:29.649 –> 01:24:33.909
the idiom we use, things like that. yep have
01:24:33.909 –> 01:24:37.250
a great day appreciate your time good night good
01:24:37.250 –> 01:24:37.449
night
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